Spring?

Today is a very bad day for me. I sit in pain with my back and wish I could go to the dr's but have little money to do so, getting the precriptions filled too. In between paychecks is the worst time. But Spring is coming and that makes me even sadder because Timmy isn't here. I always sit outside and watch how all the kids play, or hang out and remember how he loved to play football. Every night I'd come home and he'd be out there with his friends either playing a game or just tossing it back and forth. A few nights ago my neighbor was telling me how sometimes if no one was around, he'd just throw the ball down the street and run and get it and then throw it back, over and over! That's how much he loved playing football. It was an all year round sport for him. So now that the weather had warmed up for a bit, which was just a teaser since it is now cold and rainy again, it brings back those memories. Everyone tells me try and remember all the good things, it's hard to do you know when the old memories is all I have. I won't have any new memories as the years go by. He was 15 years old, I should have so many more years worth of memories from him, but never will I. This has taken a toll on me many people don't seem to understand. How I should be over this, be better, keep moving on. I know they mean well, but really, just don't say it. I am where I am, I am who I am now, I may never be better, I may one day?? who knows, but right now I doubt it! I cry at the drop of a hat, I cry and anything that might remind me of him, a smell, a kid riding a bike, boys playing football.... how does a mother get over her 15 year old son being shot to the back of his head execution style for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?? Please, if anyone knows the answer to this, really knows the answer, I want to know it, I want to feel that I'm ok and I'm not crazy and I want to know that I will see my son again and that he is happy and we will meet one day. I want to know why? Why would 2 men kill an innocent little boy? I want to know what they thought when they did this, how could they do this? they are dad's themselves could they not see this is someone's child? The coldness and evilness has taken over too many hearts in this world we live in. So another Spring to face, more memories I know I'll never have, more crying to do, and just trying to hang on as each day passes. It's all I can do right now.