My Adventures

I've always thought about writing a journal of my crazy daily events that occur in my life. As it would seem the stuff that happens to me, just doesn't seem to happen to a lot of people every day. So I think I might just start writing stuff down because believe it or not, this is all true and yes these kinds of things do happen to me every day. I'm going to start about three weeks ago.... First off, I have a memorial page for my son Timmy. It is my safe haven, somewhere to go and see things his friends and family write, people light candles for him and I change the graphics for each holiday or season. Well one day I received an email that he had a new tribute on his page. I went to view it and it was from one of the "alleged" murderer's brother. He said that he wanted to get in touch with me and give me info about the "actual killers". Well I guess that just took my breath away. It is bad enough that they live around me, and sometimes I see them and do my best to avoid, I don't want confrontations with the family, I know they believe their innocence they have the right to stand by the one they love, as I also have the right to fight for justice for my son. Well after that things just started colliding with one another. I can't go into much of it, but it was just all pieces of the puzzle that almost made me have a nervous breakdown. I took some time off from work, I went back to my counselor. I needed a "step back" so to speak. So each day goes by and more weird things happen. But I get through them. The pain of losing your child to murder is enourmous. I cannot describe it. But then when you have other things that come into play it's almost like "is this stuff really happening to me"??? Like how my door broke, yes my front door. Cracked right in half form the wonderful weather we had and the nice gusty winds. So I had to get a new door. Believe me my dog and cat loved it, if we left the main door open they had a permanent doggy/cat door to go in and out, but with the weather getting nice I was getting lots of flies!!! So I finally did get my door fixed. Now to present day, I am driving to work, low on gas and my tire needs air. I stop and get gas, I go to the air pump. I for the life of me cannot get this thing to work right. The air is going everywhere but in my tire. So I'm frustrated by now and it's getting later, now I'm worried I'll be late for work. So I pull up and get stuck at a red light but in the middle of the intersection. Maybe that's a good thing. Because as I'm sitting there waiting for the light to turn green, a man in his truck waved at me to lower my window, so I do. He said, "you left your gas cap on the trunk of your car". I'm like oh no!!! I'm in the middle of this intersection at a very busy highway! I jump out and low and behold there is my gas cap still on the trunk where I left it. How the heck it didn't fall off from out of the gas station, and down about 6 blocks is besides me! I was so thankful that maybe I was meant to get stuck at this red light that I never get stuck at so this nice man could tell me about my gas cap, otherwise I could have kissed that baby goodbye once I got on the highway! Then of course stuck in traffic and by now totally frustrated. I put on the ipod and each song that was played by random was a song that Timmy liked or one that reminded me of him. Oh and one more thing, since I haven't been finding too many dimes, as I was dusting the other day I picked up something off the computer desk and there were two, yes two, dimes sitting there. I know he's with me all the time, I just wish I could hold him and hug him and tell him how much I love him with all my heart. I also have some cute new pictures that I'll be posting. I had my one son take a picture off his camera phone of a picture, and they actually turned out pretty good. I love all my friends and family who are sticking by me thru this darkness I am currently in. Without them, I would be lost. And I decided that after each post I am going to write down the last words I got to say to my son, sort of how Carol Burnett pulled on her ear for her grandmother who was deaf, my way of saying I'll never forget you. "good night baby cakes, don't stay up late, love ya".

My Boys

When I write here or really anywhere I always write about Timmy. Of course I would, he is always on my mind, and I miss him so much, so so much, it hurts so bad. He was my youngest of 3 boys. My little shadow, I took him everywhere with me. We were close, he was like my buddy, even as he got older into the teenage years. He never got in any trouble, he never lied to me, he was shy and quiet but I knew him better than anyone else. Most mom's don't when their boys turn 15 years old, but I can say I knew him best. I raised 3 boys on my own. A single mom with a full time job. I was pregant with Timmy when his Dad & I split up. It was hard, life was not easy. Finding day care, and getting everyone off to school, or when they were sick begging people to watch them for me. I missed a lot of the growing up years, but I tried to keep them all in something, even if they just tried. Like all my boys played football. My middle son who is now 22 he played the longest. Timmy loved football, it was his dream to become a quaterback, but when he was younger he couldn't handle the practices 5 days a week, in 98 degree temps and I'd be picking them up from daycare or day camp and right to practice, with no dinner, they'd be dressing in the car getting them uniforms on. I would bring snacks and water. But after a few weeks and bad migraine headaches he just couldn't do it, but he was little then. We thought once he got into High School he could try out then, he was good, he had an arm on him like you wouldn't believe. But back to what I was saying, as you can see my mind drifts back to Timmy, I don't mean too, it just happens. So my oldest was in karate, football, baseball, etc. and it was hard running from one thing to another and I'm sure all the single moms out there with no support from dad would surely understand what I'm saying. Now my middle guy did football, skate hockey, baseball, etc. and Timmy, well he tried everything!!! Believe it or not they all loved playing chess, something when you see them would be hard to believe, and Timmy could knock you right out after 2 moves!! We used to have game nights, and I'd read to them every night. I remember how my oldest would get so mad as I would read chapters from some favorite books they all were into, and the other two would be jumping up and down in their beds not interested and he would tell them to stop and listen to the story! We had good times, even if they were hard times. Some days I wish I could turn back the hands of time and re-live some of those moments and realize when I thought life was so hard back then, how hard it was raising 3 boys on my own, working a full time job, running around picking everyone up, going home doing dinner, cleaning up, making sure they did their homework, getting baths and lunches for the next day. I just don't know how I even did it!!! I look back now and say, God I'd take those days back anytime. After losing a son to murder, that was all a piece of cake! But I love all my boys, thru good times and bad time, thru thick and thin. I just wish life would have been a lot easier, better and simpler for them. They deserved it. They had it hard too.