Easter

Easter is just a few days away. I don't do well on holidays anymore. I remember how I used to get all the Easter Candy and hide it. Each one would get a basket and a few special treats. One of the favorite things I liked to do was put some movies in them. Then we could watch the movie during the day while dinner cooked. I remember the year before Timmy was killed I didn't do any Easter baskets. Oh my how upset he was. He said to me why didn't you make us any baskets? I explained that I thought maybe they were getting too old to have Easter baskets, I mean he was 14 years old, right? Oh no, he said, not me. Please mom next year I want an Easter basket, don't forget. So the following year, the Easter right before he was murdered I made them all Easter baskets. I wish I could find the pictures. I wish I had a digital camera back then with all the pictures I could have taken. The memories each holiday brings me sometimes are good ones, like this, but then I think that was my final and last Easter Basket for him. One time oh a long time ago when he was much younger, his older brother broke his ankle the night before Easter Sunday. We were all supposed to decorate the Easter eggs. I had the dye and all! Well I spent most of the night in the ER and didn't get home unitl after midnight. Timmy waited up, I promised to dye the eggs he said, we sat there at 1:00AM dying eggs so we'd have them for Easter the next day. Oh how tired I was I remember, but I had to keep my promise. Another one of those memories I'm so glad that I did what I did. Like if I didn't do that Easter basket because I just thought they were getting too old for them, then I wouldn't have that one last Easter memory of making sure he got his basket that year. So do I make a basket for my older boys this year? I was thinking of just making up one big one, we can call it Timmy's Easter Basket and share in the treasure of all the candy he loved. He definitly had a sweet tooth, that's for sure! Happy Easter my sweet angel.

Spring?

Today is a very bad day for me. I sit in pain with my back and wish I could go to the dr's but have little money to do so, getting the precriptions filled too. In between paychecks is the worst time. But Spring is coming and that makes me even sadder because Timmy isn't here. I always sit outside and watch how all the kids play, or hang out and remember how he loved to play football. Every night I'd come home and he'd be out there with his friends either playing a game or just tossing it back and forth. A few nights ago my neighbor was telling me how sometimes if no one was around, he'd just throw the ball down the street and run and get it and then throw it back, over and over! That's how much he loved playing football. It was an all year round sport for him. So now that the weather had warmed up for a bit, which was just a teaser since it is now cold and rainy again, it brings back those memories. Everyone tells me try and remember all the good things, it's hard to do you know when the old memories is all I have. I won't have any new memories as the years go by. He was 15 years old, I should have so many more years worth of memories from him, but never will I. This has taken a toll on me many people don't seem to understand. How I should be over this, be better, keep moving on. I know they mean well, but really, just don't say it. I am where I am, I am who I am now, I may never be better, I may one day?? who knows, but right now I doubt it! I cry at the drop of a hat, I cry and anything that might remind me of him, a smell, a kid riding a bike, boys playing football.... how does a mother get over her 15 year old son being shot to the back of his head execution style for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?? Please, if anyone knows the answer to this, really knows the answer, I want to know it, I want to feel that I'm ok and I'm not crazy and I want to know that I will see my son again and that he is happy and we will meet one day. I want to know why? Why would 2 men kill an innocent little boy? I want to know what they thought when they did this, how could they do this? they are dad's themselves could they not see this is someone's child? The coldness and evilness has taken over too many hearts in this world we live in. So another Spring to face, more memories I know I'll never have, more crying to do, and just trying to hang on as each day passes. It's all I can do right now.

Random Thoughts

When Timmy started 9th grade he became very sick. he was put on homebound for a few months, then got sicker. He had cat scratch disease from a kitten he found and begged me to keep. It was infested with fleas. Him and his friend gave that kitten two baths and combed him out really nice. I already had 2 cats and a dog, didn't really want another one, but he begged me! He loved animals and would always try and con me into getting something. We had fish, hamster, guinea pig, he also wanted to get an one of those exotic birds! Which I was afraid our cats would eat! But we would go to the pet store and look and look. He was famous for carrying his little guinea pig around that he called "Sniffs" in his little carrying case, took him to school for show and tell, he was a big hit! So to find out that he had gotten so sick from a kitten just floored me. Anyway he had to go to the hospital as he developed these terrible abcesses in his throat. They had to cut his throat open and drain it. Then pack it. He was on IV antibiotics, morphine and all. He was in a lot of pain. This all happened during Valentines Day 2007. Five months before he would be shot execution style on the way home from the store. They gave him a teddy bear that he swore he was just too old to keep, so I kept it. I sleep with that Teddy Bear every night now, I kiss it like it was him and say good night Timmy I love you always and forever. Every night! Why do these things happen? Why would anyone want to kill a 15 year old kid, who did nothing to no one. he was a good kid, he kept to himself, he was a homebody, always wanted to just have his friends hang out at the house. Playing video games, or on the computer, working out since he lost weight he wanted to build up his muscles, he loved to jump on the trampoline and do tricks which made me too nervous to watch. I think of these things every day and wonder how can anyone have wanted to hurt him?

2 Years 8 Months

Saturday 3/13/10 was two years and 3 months. Some days are harder than others. Each day never is easy though. I try and find different ways to keep my mind busy but it always comes back to my son. Why is the constant question I keep asking myself, why would anyone kill a 15 year old kid? Who did nothing to no one. He never hurt anyone, he never got in any trouble, he was shy and quiet, he was a homebody. So why????? I don't think the answer will ever be good enough for me. My God you don't know how much I miss him. the tears just build in my eyes each time I thing of Timmy. the pain is unbearable. So many people say move on, he would not want you to be unhappy or cry all the time. And I know this, I know he would not want me to be unhappy, he was my buddy, he hated to see me upset so of all people he would be the first to say please mom don't cry. But I can't stop. I will never be able to stop. No matter what words people say to me, out of the kindness of their hearts, I say to them, I will never ever be the same. This is the ME now, I will try and smile and laugh, but it doesn't come easily. I will talk about my son all the time and I hope you all understand that. It seems like since my son was killed, my life fell apart, he was my glue that kept everything together. Now that he is gone my life has unravelled and this is something I cannot help, no matter what I do no matter what I try it seems like my life has taken the downward spiral. Believe me I don't want to be this way, I want to feel life again, I want to be happy, I don't want to cry all the time and be sad all the time, but I can't help it. My true friends who have been there for me all this time and stay with me no matter what I love you all from the bottom of my heart because sticking around for me and holding me up when things are so bad just proves to me that I am still loved, even though the darkness touched my life, I am still loved, even though my soul and heart hurts so bad and I cry all the time, I am still loved. Timmy will always be loved forever until the day we meet again as he touched so many peoples hearts, he lives on forever. And that is something no one can take away. They may have killed him in body, but his life, love, laughter, smile, funny jokes, goffiness, the Timmy we all know, is in us all, in our hearts, and in our souls.

Each Day

Each day brings to me more tears it seems.  I wish I had started a blog 2 years ago.  I used to write a journal but it became to difficult to write in it each night.  I would wind up crying most of the time.  Starting this today I will go back in time as much as I can and share the memories I have, the joy, the pain, the heartache.  It all adds up to the days of my life.  Last night as I sat to eat dinner, I could hear a basketball being bounced outside the house.  I nearly chocked on my food.  I started to sob.  Why?  Well we have a basketball court out front and Timmy and his friends would all play basketball out there.  I used to always complain to them how the ball always landed on my flowers and how they were ruining my rose bush.  To think, I'd take it all back in a heart beat.  So many things I would take back, just to have my son with me.  So many things I wish I never said, so many things I wish I DID say.  It eats you up alive, tears at your heart strings.  How can a mom whose son was murdered at the age of 15 go on?  Is it even possible?