Happiness?

I made a new video of Timmy last week. It was hard to imagine doing but I wanted to, it feels like I'm doing something if that makes any sense. So much going on in life, I cry so many nights over losing my son, seeing my family fall apart. Wondering when does it ever get better, does it ever get better? I feel like I'll never feel that true happiness in life, like my candle blew out when Timmy was killed. It flickers off and on, trying to keep the rest of us together. How does one do that when you feel like there is nothing left of you to give? I see so many of his friends growing up, all the things I missed. Learning how to drive, graduating school, falling in love, some having babies, Timmy always wanted kids, so funny a 15 year old boy telling his mom, I'm going to have 4 kids when I get married! You don't hear that to often. He wanted to be a good dad, he loved his dad but his dad wasn't there very much for him. I was mom and dad to all my boys. Last night I cried to God and asked him what did I do wrong??? Why is life so cruel? Am I being punished or is this just a test? I want my boys to be happy and live good happy lives, but it's turned all upside down when my son was murdered. I see so much evil in this world, I remember days watching the news and someone getting killed and thinking oh that poor family, that poor mother, and now I live it and think how does anyone get through this? How do you keep you family together. I so much support and love from all my family and friends. It helps me keep going, but the pain is so deep down inside me that nothing ever will pull it out. Like some days I watch that show House and wish I could go to someone like that and ask what's wrong with me and they figure it all out and make me better. So many people tell me how strong I am, and I really don't feel like I am strong, I just get by each day. I keep my faith in my heart that God will help me through all of this, and knowing one day I'll see my son again. But the NOW days is what hurts. I just want happiness back, I want to be able to laugh and see my boys laugh again. Really laugh, just stomach hurting laughter. Is that too much to ask for? I go to Timmy's memorial sites and wish there was more I could put on, more I could say, more pictures to post. I have so many of him when he was little but not so many when he was 15, I'm so happy for my sister and family and his friends to have giving me the pictures I do have. Isn't it sad to be happy over a picture? Knowing that's all you got. I miss him. I miss him. I cry every night telling him how much I love and miss him. Why can't I dream of him? I just want him to come home. I want my family to be happy, I want my boys to be ok. It's not fair that they have to live thru this so young, they have this to bear for so much longer than I do. People don't realize how much siblings suffer. They suffer more than you know. One thing I would like to say to them is, don't think that just because you think they should be "over this" and falling to pieces is unacceptable to you in your life, until you walk in their shoes, do not judge my boys. They have enough to deal with, then to deal with ignorance.