Mother's Day 2010

It took me 3 days to write about Mother's Day. It was probably one of the worse Mother's Day I'll ever have. Even though my other boys tried to make it the best they could. My oldest got me two red roses, my middle guy made dinner. But we all were like in a daze of dripping sadness. You could feel it in the air. The pain, the tension, the missing. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I wish I had. It just was painful. I still remember that one Mother's Day how Timmy as young as he was went to the Flower store and got me a beautiful pink rose with baby breath wrapped up in this nice little plastic box with a big red ribbon on it. With $2.00! I even walked around and thanked them, they told me they never had a little boy come in and ask what he could buy his mom with $2.00 so they just had to make it special. It's a wonderful memory, but it's a memory that makes me so sad, I can still see it in my minds eye. He asked me for $2.00 to go to the corner dollar store. And there he went to the flower store instead and got me a present. him walking in the door with this beautiful gift of love. I see him handing it to me, that little boy with those big blue eyes and saying Happy Mother's Day mom. And me walking to the store LOL to thank those nice people for being so generous to make him feel special by giving him the prettiest gift he could give his mom for $2.00. It saddens me to think how I'll never have any of those special moments with my son. no more surprise presents, no more stray cats, no kids being loud, no basketball bouncing out front, or playing football and making the car alarms go off. I search my brain for memories, anything, any memory will do, I want to hear stories about him, I love to hear people talk about him because then it gives me more memories since I know there will never be any more for me. No more greetings when I park the car, yes, when Timmy would be out side and I'd come home he would wait for me to park and walk up to the car as I was getting out and say hi mom how was your day. This was almost every single day! I see it as I park each time, I wish to see him walk up and wait for me to park each night I go home. I can't even look down the street anymore where it happened. I hate driving down there to that corner and have no choice since it's a one way street. I do my best to avoid going further I'd turn and go out of my way most of the time. I bless myself and blow a kiss when I do. This is what I have left. Each time I try and think of a memory and want to write it down so I'll never forget it. I see the rose bushes we planted together and the one I said was his is tall with big red roses and mine is this little stub of a thing. It's almost like his roses are reaching to the heavens for him and mine are shriveling up like me. I stop and smell them each time one blooms, some days I cut them and take them up to the cemetary for him and say look how big your roses are,they are beautiful just like you. It will be two years and 10 months tomorrow, May 13th. People tell me it will get better, I nod my head, but inside I think, no, it will never get better, time will go by and people grow, but my heart will never heal.

My Adventures Part 2

Well as I said in my last post I wanted to keep track of all the craziness in my life because some days I wonder where does all this come from? Sometimes I actually feel like I'm being punished for something maybe I did in a past life or something. I'm a good person, I always try and be nice and do right by people, so why is it that I get hit every single day with something that is like yo hold on now, how much can one person take on? I don't even remember where I left off at last time. I guess I should have read my last post so I know where to begin. Well let's see, my son's car now needs a new alternator. We had this card for what 2 months? Let me tell you, I won't mention names but don't ever buy a car down on Richmond Street. This car has been nothing but a nightmare since we got it. First the thermastat went but they fixed that as it was under 30 day warranty, then the water pump went, then the turn signals wouldn't work. Then as soon as warranty is up, it need a new starter, then the very next day the breaks were squeeling like crazy, you know what it's like to find a place on Easter weekend to get your brakes fixed? Well I did thank God, but when they showed me the rotors on that thing, that car never should have passed inspection, they were so worn down I could tell how bad it was and that's saying something for someone who doesn't know to much about cars. Well lets' flash head, ok, now this car needs an alternator. I won't even go into the story on my car because it's just to much to bare, I can't even write it down. Just the thought of how all this stuff goes wrong every single day makes my stomach sick. And on top of that an important person on my son's case will not be involved (well not as much) but I am a bit upset about that. Oh and the back small panel window on my car is broken, just more money to put out to get fixed, something that I don't have right now so I guess now. You know what it's like to drive down the highway and all you can hear is plastic blowing because we had to tape up the window. It's very annoying, believe me, very! And to top all that off I hit my head on an overhang cabinet and now have a splitting headache. So let's see what tomorrow and the rest of the weekend brings to me, maybe my house will blow away with me in it and I'll be like Dorothy and wake up in Oz.

wishing for days gone by when boys where young, I used to think how hard life was then raising 3 boys on my own, now I'd take those days back in an instant. I'd give out more hugs and kisses and be there more, go to places to have fun, but I had to work full time and I missed a lot of their growing up. Now I'll miss the rest of Timmy's life, gone at 15. How fair is that???? So my questions is, how much can one woman take on in life before they crumble? "Good night baby cakes, don't stay up late, love you".