2 Years 8 Months

Saturday 3/13/10 was two years and 3 months. Some days are harder than others. Each day never is easy though. I try and find different ways to keep my mind busy but it always comes back to my son. Why is the constant question I keep asking myself, why would anyone kill a 15 year old kid? Who did nothing to no one. He never hurt anyone, he never got in any trouble, he was shy and quiet, he was a homebody. So why????? I don't think the answer will ever be good enough for me. My God you don't know how much I miss him. the tears just build in my eyes each time I thing of Timmy. the pain is unbearable. So many people say move on, he would not want you to be unhappy or cry all the time. And I know this, I know he would not want me to be unhappy, he was my buddy, he hated to see me upset so of all people he would be the first to say please mom don't cry. But I can't stop. I will never be able to stop. No matter what words people say to me, out of the kindness of their hearts, I say to them, I will never ever be the same. This is the ME now, I will try and smile and laugh, but it doesn't come easily. I will talk about my son all the time and I hope you all understand that. It seems like since my son was killed, my life fell apart, he was my glue that kept everything together. Now that he is gone my life has unravelled and this is something I cannot help, no matter what I do no matter what I try it seems like my life has taken the downward spiral. Believe me I don't want to be this way, I want to feel life again, I want to be happy, I don't want to cry all the time and be sad all the time, but I can't help it. My true friends who have been there for me all this time and stay with me no matter what I love you all from the bottom of my heart because sticking around for me and holding me up when things are so bad just proves to me that I am still loved, even though the darkness touched my life, I am still loved, even though my soul and heart hurts so bad and I cry all the time, I am still loved. Timmy will always be loved forever until the day we meet again as he touched so many peoples hearts, he lives on forever. And that is something no one can take away. They may have killed him in body, but his life, love, laughter, smile, funny jokes, goffiness, the Timmy we all know, is in us all, in our hearts, and in our souls.