Another Christmas

its been so long since I wrote here. I feel like my life has become nothing but sadness. How does one go through losing two sons. Enjoy birthdays holidays ???  Now my only son left is in jail. Why?  Drugs. His brother died in his arms. His pop pop died 4 months later. He was injured had 2 foot surgeries and became addicted to the pain pills but it turned out to be not ennui ugh to numb his pain. He was in the army national guard. He wanted to make that a career. Now because of his foot he could do the ruck marches. He's so smart. Loves history and math. He could have done anything. Any of my boys could. But those murderers destroyed my family. I know I can't keep that anger in my heart but I can't help it. Now here o am at Xmas by myself. Alone in my misery. I try n smile oh I'm ok. I fool ppl a lot. I have to. I have to move one foot ahead of each other even if it's one minute at a time. I love my boys. I can't stand not having any of them here. I can't decorate. I can't feel the holiday spirit. But I will be strong for him. My Matt bi love unconditionally as I do all my boys. Until the end of time.