My Joey

It's been so long

How do I write a post since it's been such a long time since I wrote here. And so many awful things to write about. On June 8th, 2013 I lost another son. My son Joey. He was my oldest. 27 years old. He relapsed. Let me tell you about my Joey. He was a good guy, he had the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone. He had a great, dry sense of humor. He could tell you scriptures off the top of his head. He had hard times though. When his baby brother Timmy was murdered, he was going through a trial of his own. He was in a fight with an ex-friend, well this ex-friend who stole from us after we opened our home to him, and that is the reason why Joey got into the fight with him, pressed charges. he had his first court hearing the day we buried Timmy. (of course he couldn't go) But let me go back a bit to that night, he didn't wake me up, he went to id his brother laying on the pavement in a pool of blood. An image no 21 year old should have to endure, why? Because he didn't want me to have to do it. He didn't want me to bare the pain of that image embedded into his brain for the rest of his young life. He saved me from this. He went to jail only 3 months after Timmy was murdered. How do you grieve locked up?? You can't cry, you can't mourn. He was so scared, so upset and you can see how he declined, but he put up the image of I'm ok! He gained weight, he stopped using drugs, he went to a rehab where he had a wonderful counselor who knew what it was like to lose someone you love to murder. He came home. He wanted to move but i couldn't afford to move. I had to live in the same house where my son Timmy was killed right down the street. This affected both my sons. But more for Joey. He went to a trade school for auto mechanic he was doing great. Had a car, but then his friend that he let use it crashed it and totaled it. Then the trial came up. After the arrests were made, which took 14 months, my son always believed that they thought Timmy was him, because he had his shirt on and looked like each other. 14 months he endured the pain that his brother was killed for mistaken identity. But once we found out the truth that the friend Timmy was with who was Joey's friend, they were after because he was black and had a baby with a white girl. it was her brother and brother in law that killed them. Timmy was a "casualty of war" a "lose end", yes that's what they called him because he knew them. Well when the trial came up my son slipped into despair, forever fighting the urge of going back to doing drugs. But he fell into it anyway, but this time it was the bad stuff. I tried so hard to get him help, in and out of different rehabs. I even called his PO on him she had him arrested, he became clean again then to another place for outpatient, that still didn't help. But he tried so very very hard. He really did. But his soul was lost, he was sad, he suffered nightmares, and insomnia. he blamed himself for Timmy's death, he was so worried about never getting a job, not becoming somthing important. He worried that if he lost me, there would be no one left for him. He felt like no one loved him enough to be there for him, but yet he was so wrong. So many people did love him, he just didn't see it. That night on June 8th, after being clean for a long time, him and his other brother were playing video game. My other son wanted to go to bed, Joey begged him to stay up play one more game. No, his brother said, I'm tired. What made Joey go out that night and relapse? I'll never know. I just know I was woken up to sirens, (my son did not wake me up) after he went to bed, about an hour later he went down to get a drink and found his older brother unconcious. Still sitting in front of the TV where he was playing the game. he tried to revive him, he called 911, and he didn't wake me up. He too didn't want me to suffer the sight of another son being taken away. But I did wake up. I went downstairs and saw all these people in my living room and my son laying there while they worked on him. And my middle guy just standing there white as a ghost. They did everything and all I did was freak out. Not again, not again!!! My car was in the shop, when they took him to the hospital. My neighbor drove me to the hospital. When we got there, they took us to a room. I said to her this is not good why would they take us to a room they would have taken us to his bed, they did this to me with my brother when he died. Then 3 doctors came in, one asked for me by name, and sat down on the chair and said I'm so very sorry we tried everything we could. I lost it, I screamed I cried I got on my knees and begged him, please don't tell me my son died, I held his hands and begged and begged and he looked at me in sorrow. I got up and said I want to see my son then. They looked surprised? I dont' know why but they did. I went to his bedside and there laid my first born son, looking like he was asleep, but had been gone from me. I laid on top of him and cried and kissed his face and told him I love you, I love you, I love you. I kissed his hands, I rubbed his hair, I brushed the whiskers on his face. I shall never forget that day, just like the day my Timmy was murdered. To me, those 2 men who killed Timmy, inadvertently killed Joey. He never was able to go on in his life because of what happened to his baby brother, see he was the oldest son, he was supposed to protect him. In my eyes, they killed him too. I love you Joey, with all my heart and soul. You shall always be with me as your brother Timmy is. You shall never be forgotten.