Thoughts and pics My true Loves

 It's been so long since I've written here. I think back when days going by and how my life is so much changed. I see where others so happy  but I try to live my life as best as I can losing to sons is a Heartache no mother should go through. Having another son away during the holidays makes things so much harder for me.  I love my boys they are my life I'm lucky to have good friends and family good job my fur babies but there's a piece of my heart it's missing it's always going to be missing and there's nothing I can do to change that. But I try to help  other people who may need just to feel that understanding and knowing the challenges that life will bring on to you as you do. Going thru living to murder drug overdose I try I'm here. So this blog I'm going to dedicate  to just pictures and graphics and the love I see for my boys from so many. I love you Joey Clark I love you Timmy Clark I love you Matt Clark you are the reason while I'm still living you were the reason why I keep going you are my rock you always be my rock I don't think you realize how much Matthew that you're being here for me you have kept me  going. Even through these hard times and having you with me. You are a good man and always have been and always will be always remember that and always remember I love you so much and always will.

Another day, another Easter

Well today is March 30, 2015.  Easter Sunday is next week.  Another holiday that throws me under the bus.  I don't like the way my life has become.  Sad and lonely.  I'm so glad I have my sister and my nieces and nephews.  Glad to have great F/B friends. It seems a lot of my friends have gone and left me.  I try not to show my despair.  I always fake the smile.  I laugh at jokes and joke back.  So why am I left out of everything anymore.  I guess I'm still that leper.  When Timmy was first killed that's how I felt at work.  But so many people supported me and helped me through all those hard awful days.  But when Joey died, that was different.  Why?  Is it become he OD'd?  Didn't people see how much my son suffered?  He id'd Timmy laying in the street, he took that burden off of me as he didn't want that image burnt in my brain.  He swore they mistook Timmy for him, as he was with his friend, he had his shirt on (one that Joey never wore).  For 14 agonizing months!  When they found out the truth that they were after Dame and Timmy was a "casualty of war", it was too late.  Joey was already lost!  He became despaired.  He went away for about a little over a year and came home like a new person!  He was doing great, went back to school was doing great there, he was big and healthy and smiled all the time.  Then the trial came.  Well he couldn't handle it.  And some "nice" (sarcastic) friend in the neighborhood introduced him to herion.  My baby was shotting up drugs.  I didn't know it for a few months.  Then me and his brother did everything we could to get him help.  Went to so many rehabs.  Nothing!  Finally, he was locked up for about 30 days, he came home clean and stayed clean for the most part.  But one night, and they were have such a great time.  Supposed to go to a party, I gave him money, the guy never showed up to take them, it was pouring out.  Everyone stayed at my house, listening to music, playing video games, joking around.  I went to bed.  He came up stairs and said "hey mom, I told you don't go to bed without give me a hug and a kiss goodnight".  I said sorry Joe I'm tired.  He came over as I layed in bed, gave me a kiss and a sideways hug and as he walked out of my room, and I still see it in my head to this day, he turned and said "I love you mom".  I said I love you too Joey.  My last words.  I blame the murderers who took my Timmy, indirectly took my Joey.  He relapsed that night, I don't know why.  Maybe cause Timmy's angel day was the next month.  His brother found him.  My only son left.  My heart has been broken.  But I hold up a front for my only son.  We have gone down so many bad days, years, birthdays, holidays, you name it.  And then after all those years from Timmy I felt I was getting to the point I could handle it.  Now I start grief all over again with Joey.  I just wish people could understand.  I just wish things would be the same.  Summer is upon us and I know what I'll do.  NOTHING!  Because that is how my life has become, I feel like nothing.  But you'll never know it.  I'll still smile, I'll still laugh at jokes, I'll joke back.  I'm fierce and loyal.  I'll fake it until I make it that's my motto!!!  But I will NEVER stop talking about my sons.  Maybe that's why? People feel funny?  I don't know, but I'm not stopping.  I beg for stories from their friends.  I love getting new pictures I've never seen.  It's like opening up a Christmas present for me, and to those wonderful friends I say thank you.  Thank you for not giving up on me.