Today is July 23rd, 10 days since my son's 3rd year angelversary. I couldn't write, I didn't know what to write. There are no words to describe the pain I live in. A piece of my heart is missing. Then when this day comes, I feel it for weeks before and weeks after. July is a hard month. We held another candle light vigil for him, so many people still came, his friends, family, neighbors, my friends and my boys friends. I thank them all with my whole heart for supporting me and my family. Being there shows me how much Timmy meant and knowing he touched so many lives. Only 15 years old and cut short by the hands of another. Something I can never nor ever will understand. How do you shot a 15 year old in the back of his head? WHY I ask God every day WHY. I miss him so much, I just want to hug him, hold him, hear that great be laugh he had, the goofy grin, those big blue eyes. I want more memories, I want to go down the beach and watch him ride the waves. I want to hear his voice just one more "I love you mom". WHY?????? A question no one can ever answer. I can't even write these words without crying. I'm so cried out yet the tears seem to always come. the ache in my heart never subsiding. I had a dream about him a few days ago, he is always little in my dreams and the only time he speaks to me when he is a little boy. I had pictures but he wasn't in them and he asked ME why aren't I in these pictures, where am I? I picked him up and held him and said these pictures where from before you were born, I have lots of pictures of you now. I keep thinking was this a message? Was he telling me even though he is not here, I still have pictures and memories, even though he is not physically with me, he is ALWAYS WITH ME. I don't know, but I feel some comfort with this, not much but I love dreaming of him, and hate waking up. It's like God that was only a dream, WHY CAN'T THIS BE ONLY A DREAM???? I love you baby cakes, FLY HIGH.
