HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY MY BABY CAKES

Today is Timmy's birthday, he would have been 20 years old today. I think back on those teenage years I've missed and wonder what he would be like today. I was talking about that with my one son, talking about those years we've missed. How those 2 men ruined our family, took everything away from us and made our lives change so drastically. I wonder if they think of him. I wonder if they realize all the lives they've ruined by such a horrendous act. Not only my family, but theirs and their children's. No, I don't feel sorry for them, I feel sorry for their children. I feel sorry that they have to grow up knowing what their father did to such a young child and another young man (RIP Dame) How they have to grow up with this. I see my own children suffer each and every day. Losing their baby brother to murder. And some days wishing people would understand how much they suffer. My heart is broken. It will always be broken now. But I think of him in good times, how he loved the beach, riding those waves, collecting sea shells or hermit craps. Hanging out with his friends, jumping on the trampoline, playing football, always playing football. How tall would he be? Would he still have that funny sense of humor? Would his goofy laugh still make the whole room crack up with him? Would he have fallen in love? 20 YEARS OLD!!! No more teenager, that's a big step in one's life. I believe in my heart he would have been a good man, he was already a good kid, a kind heart, a gentle soul. I listen to the stories people tell me of him, like the one he went and got a water ice for my friend's daughter they didn't know him that well then, and she wanted someone to walk her to get her one and no one would so Timmy said I'll go get it for you and when he came back, his brother left him! But he got the water ice and when she offered him the money he said no it's on me. Makes me cry thinking of those stories and how kind hearted he really was. I miss you Timmy, Happy Birthday in Heaven. You'll always be loved and I will hold you in my heart until we meet again.

December Blues

Wow it's December already. I can't believe where the time goes. I hate December, even though my birthday is December, and Christmas and my middle son being a Christmas baby, but my sweet Timmy was a New Year's Eve baby. I used to tease him all the time and say no matter where you go on your birthday there will always be a celebration!!! Never passing the age of 15 is so unfair all those celebrations he has missed. I watch all his friends growing up, moving on with life (as they should) and I think what would he be like today. I know he'd be a good man. But I wish I could have seen him grow into that "good man". I always tell my friends how all these bad things happen to me and don't seem to understand why. If you didn't know me and I told you half the crap I go thru you'd all think it was bull shit. Yet my friends and family know, they tell me if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. One of my closest friends always said here comes "Bette's dark cloud" it follows me everywhere. I'm glad this year is to be over soon. It was the hardest I've had. Timmy's trial started in December and sentencing in January. Then I lost my job. My sons struggling with life without their brother, no one realizes the pain they live in each and every day. People think siblings don't suffer, well let me say, YES they do, sometimes more than others. my sons have suffered tremendously after Timmy was murdered. It's not fair to be so young to have to live with something so terrible happening like this in your life. Then to top it all off I got into a bad car accident, and now I struggle in pain every day going on job interviews standing waiting for busses or trains, but I try and keep positive that things will be ok. One day things will be ok, I keep saying this to myself over and over, it will be ok, one day! Life has some good moments too, like my sister finding a picture of Timmy in his favorite Steeler's Jersey, the only picture I have of him in it, I buried him in his Rothleisburger jersey, but I still have the Pittsburgh cap. So many things I can't let go, when does the pain ever end? But I cried when I saw it and she said don't cry why are you crying and I said no it's not a bad cry really, it's because I now have a new picture of him and one with him in his Steeler's jersey he loved it so much and he was such a big Steeler's fan. He loved football, another thing that makes me sad, he never been to a "real" football game, not even an Eagles game. I would have loved him to have been able to go see the Pittsburgh Steelers, now I cheer them on (sorry Eagles, my other boys cheer you guys on) LOL But winter is fast approaching and I know after his birthday maybe I can heal a little tiny bit more, I cry every day it seems in December. December is a sad month for me now, when it used to be so joyous!!!! My father passed away on December 15, 24 years ago. 10 days before my middle son was born. But I felt then at the time, he sent me a little Christmas present, sending me another son, who I gave my dad's first name as my sons middle name. Awww the time passes and yet I'm still stuck. Oh and then I find out that the sister and mother of one of my son's murderer's were arrested for witness intimidation. Timmy's story should be a Peyton Place, never ending. Still going on 4 1/2 years later, it never ends and it makes the pain much deeper to bear when these kinds of things happen. But we tread on don't we, if not for us but for our kids, for our family, and for knowing that one day I will meet my Timmy again. Merry Christmas Baby Cakes, and a Happy Birthday soon, he would have ben 20 years old this New Year's Eve, no longer a teenager, so much I've missed. Meet you at the crossroads, so you won't be lonely.............................