Wow I can't believe it's been this long since I wrote here. I don't know if maybe it's just been so hard anymore even going to my baby's memorial site, lighting candles for my other angels. Where has time gone? I think and wonder my God it's been three years. Three years since I saw my baby, heard him laugh, saw that great smile he had, the goofy jokes he told, so many things I've missed. He was too young to leave me, OMG he was only 15 years old. I know I try not to blame God for this, I really do, I don't believe that God would take a young man like this from his family. Not this violent way of leaving this world. I believe that evil took ahold of these mens hearts and that is what killed him, the evilness!!! God would not do this, I try and tell my other sons the same thing. God guides us as best as he can, man has free-will, and these evil men took that gift and made it to hurt someone, or two people I should say. Another young man died that night, only 26 years old. he wasn't bad person, he didn't deserve to die this way either. I was told they were after him, and Timmy was "a casualty of war" a witness. There is no reason or excuse that will ever satisfy my empty heart and soul. I will never understand the reasoning of any of it. I still can't believe he is gone. I cry every day!!! The pain is God-awful. I see my other sons life filled with so much agony, and I think, they not only took my baby, they tood all of us that day, every single one of us died that day. Our life never to be the same again. I'm upside down now, there are two me's now, one before and the me now. I don't like the new "me". I'm always sad, always crying, I lost so much weight I look skeletal. I hate the new me!!! I hate feeling empty inside, I hate the hole in my heart. I feel like I'm not there for my boys when I should be. I can't help it. I feel like so many people don't want to be around me anymore. Who can blame them, I'm so depressing to be around. I know this, but I can't help it, it's the new me!! The one missing her son, the one who crys every night before she goes to sleep, the one who can't look at a picture of him without the pull on the heart, no new pictures to be seen or taken again, no more new memories to share. No more summer fun down the shore and watching him "ride the waves" with his brothers. No more worrying about him falling out of the roller coaster ride and a sigh of relief when the ride is over and they all get off safe and sound. This is the new me, the sad one, the lonely one, the one who really is trying to be OK and can't, the one who tries to laugh and can't, the one who really wants to go to that party, and can't because she is so afraid that she'll cry or upset people or be sad and upset people, who is afraid to talk about her son because she doesn't want to upset anyone, but how the hell can't I talk about him, he was my baby and he was taking from me because 2 men decided that they wanted to kill someone and he was there and would have witnessed it so they killed him too. HE WAS ONLY 15 YEARS OLD FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!! Now I can see why it's been a while since I wrote as I sit here crying my eyes out writing down these words, these feelings, the emptiness I live in now, the heartache I deal with every day. So as you can see they killed me too that day, and left behind an empty shell of the "new me". I hope all my friends can understand where I'm coming from, and my family, I am sorry this is how I am, I'm sorry for being so sad all the time, and I do hope that you all understand and stand by me like you have for these past 3 years because I don't know when I'll ever get any better. Knowing I have everyone there for me, helps me to know that I'm not alone, I will never be alone even though I may think I am. End of summer brings new pain again, seeing all the kids going out for new school supplies and new school clothes. Something we always did together, Timmy loved to shop!! then the changes in the seasons start, summer becomes fall, then Halloween another favorite of Timmy's. Then of course November brings Thanksgiving, how he loved to eat, his favorite meal. Then December comes with Christmas and birthdays.... need I say more??? This is the season I hate the most. This is the time of year I wish I never had to face again. The joyful time of year has become only more tears for me to shed.
