Just thoughts

I swore I'd try to keep this more up to date, but life seems to get a hold of you and BAM time goes by and then it's like wow to much to add to my blog. I got thru Halloween one of Timmy's favorite holidays, now it's November and Thanksgiving is approaching, this was his favorite time of year, with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and his birthday, he was a New Year's Eve Baby. I used to tell him that no matter where he was or went he'd always have a celebration to go to for his birthday since it was on New Year's Eve, how great is that and he'd just laugh. Now New Year's Eve all I think of is another birthday come and gone and my son not here to celebrate all those celebrations he could have been going to. We used to have so much fun on New Years Eve, I always made sure no matter where we went I made his favorite cake, it was a cat shaped cake and God forbid I tried a different kind, oh no, the Cat cake is now a family tradition. I still make his cake and still take it with me no matter where I go, and we all sing happy birthday to him. The time of year is the most hardest on me and the boys. As the cold weather starts to move in and I think of soon the snow will come and my first thought is how Timmy loved it, loved this season, loved the cold, the snow, everything about it. Now I hate it, despise it, December is far worse a month for me even though my birthday is in December and my other son Matt is a Christmas baby, and then Timmy's being New Year's Eve, it's just too much to handle when your an emotional wreck. Each day I try and get by but no matter what I do, no matter how bad things or how good things are, bad more than good lately, Timmy is always in my mind, always there, there is not a moment that can go past without me thinking wow how much he'd love that or not like that or how hard it is to go to some stores we went to together and how hard Christmas is without wrapping gifts for him. He would always write a list, I'd tell him 10 things on the list and he had to make sure he'd number which one was the most important. How I wish I kept those lists. He was so cute, thinking which was more important but wanted something just as much LOL I miss him so much more. Everyone thinks the days go by and you get better but time for me does not heal my wounded heart, it may dull the pain but the whole is still there and always will be. I see my sons suffer each day and wonder how they can go on for much longer than I will having their brother murdered, too young to have this in their life, their baby brother shot execution style and they couldn't protect him. I pray my boys each day for comfort, to know that he loved them so much, he looked up to them, he knew they always had his back. My boys, my three sons, in my heart forever. Life is hard for them most people dont realize how hard it is for siblings who lose a brother or sister especially to murder. They see how much I fall apart, I try and be strong for them but there are days that I just can't do it. Life is hard, I always say my life ended the day Timmy was killed. I move on for my other sons. I pray for them always wishing they will find happiness in their life once again, to know they can have a good life and always know Timmy is with them. Do you know how hard it is to see your son fall to pieces? To see the life just taken right out of them? and not be able to a damn thing about it!