I haven't written for quite some time. I think because I just have no words left in me. The trial is fast approaching, but am not going to speak of it here. Will have plenty to say as the time goes on. I think about another Halloween passing and how Timmy always loved it, his favorite, now the depression sinks in again with the holidays fast approaching and a trial on top of it. I think of my other sons, too young to have this in their lives. I think of all my other "mom's" who I love dearly and know the pain they endure also. I think of my family who have to listen to me all the time as the pain doesn't seem to want to subside, I can only say I'm sorry, this is me now, this is my life. I am sad, I hope one day I find some happiness I don't want to feel this way, I don't like being sad, but I miss Timmy with all my heart and cannot fathom for the life of me how anyone could hurt him, I'll never understand, never EVER!!! I have a hole in my heart, the "other" me is gone, that life I had one time is over, this is the new me and the new life I don't want, but will keep going on because I know that Timmy wouldn't want me to give up. I feel bad for my other boys, and I try so hard to keep on keeping on for them. They are so sad, their hearts hurt so badly, and there is nothing I can do. Just to say I'm here and always will be, and having good family and friends who stand by you no matter what, no matter the tears, no matter the sadness, no matter the anger, they are here always and forever and that I am thankful for because without them in my life I would not be able to be as strong as I think I've been. I love my boys, and no matter what happens I will always be there for them, thru the good and the bad, and I love my family and friends and I thank them all for standing by me. I love God, who keeps me going no matter if I am a mess, he always shows me a light in the pitch black darkness.
