Thanksgiving 2013

I think I might try to come here more often and just write how crazy life is for me.  Each day faced with new hurtles to get through.  I don't know but there are times I feel that Timmy was like the glue that kept everything together, and now that he is gone we've all just fallen to the wayside.  After losing my oldest son Joey, I start my grief anew again.  It took 6 years to even start to go through Timmy's clothes.  Now I face the hardship of looking at my Joey's things and saying no, I can't do this, not again.  Now faced with the holidays I face more pain and sorry.  Holidays without one son who was murdered at the age of 15 is sheer nightmare, but losing my oldest to relapsing due to his brother's murder is just a whole different pain.  My heart is so torn apart.  How does a family with 3 sons, turn to a family of one son.  I worry about my remaining son.  He is alone.  I think of how when they were younger and would fight and I'd tell them how they need to stick together because if anything happened to me, they'd have each other.  I'm glad to have my sisters and my one sisters girls, and their kids who I know will always be there for him.  But it's just so heartbreaking.  I don't know the turmoil my son goes through he doesn't talk about it much.  I just know I worry about him.  I cannot seem to want to face the holidays.  Some days I just pretend they're not even just around the corner.  Now here it is two days before Thanksgiving.  And now to face not one empty placemat, but 2 empty placemats.  How can that be fair?  They say God gives you just enough to handle, well I think God needs to know I'm overburdened and cannot take anymore.  I don't want to face the holidays again without my sons, without my oldest who so wanted a nice Christmas last year but things got a little screwed up and it didn't turn out the way it should have.  I cry about that all the time.  He didn't get the Christmas he wanted, now he is gone.  I can see him in my minds eye, with that smile and saying let's get a real tree this year mom, it's going to be the best Christmas ever, I promise.  I know he didn't mean to break his promise, it was taken from him.