Mother's Day 2010

It took me 3 days to write about Mother's Day. It was probably one of the worse Mother's Day I'll ever have. Even though my other boys tried to make it the best they could. My oldest got me two red roses, my middle guy made dinner. But we all were like in a daze of dripping sadness. You could feel it in the air. The pain, the tension, the missing. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I wish I had. It just was painful. I still remember that one Mother's Day how Timmy as young as he was went to the Flower store and got me a beautiful pink rose with baby breath wrapped up in this nice little plastic box with a big red ribbon on it. With $2.00! I even walked around and thanked them, they told me they never had a little boy come in and ask what he could buy his mom with $2.00 so they just had to make it special. It's a wonderful memory, but it's a memory that makes me so sad, I can still see it in my minds eye. He asked me for $2.00 to go to the corner dollar store. And there he went to the flower store instead and got me a present. him walking in the door with this beautiful gift of love. I see him handing it to me, that little boy with those big blue eyes and saying Happy Mother's Day mom. And me walking to the store LOL to thank those nice people for being so generous to make him feel special by giving him the prettiest gift he could give his mom for $2.00. It saddens me to think how I'll never have any of those special moments with my son. no more surprise presents, no more stray cats, no kids being loud, no basketball bouncing out front, or playing football and making the car alarms go off. I search my brain for memories, anything, any memory will do, I want to hear stories about him, I love to hear people talk about him because then it gives me more memories since I know there will never be any more for me. No more greetings when I park the car, yes, when Timmy would be out side and I'd come home he would wait for me to park and walk up to the car as I was getting out and say hi mom how was your day. This was almost every single day! I see it as I park each time, I wish to see him walk up and wait for me to park each night I go home. I can't even look down the street anymore where it happened. I hate driving down there to that corner and have no choice since it's a one way street. I do my best to avoid going further I'd turn and go out of my way most of the time. I bless myself and blow a kiss when I do. This is what I have left. Each time I try and think of a memory and want to write it down so I'll never forget it. I see the rose bushes we planted together and the one I said was his is tall with big red roses and mine is this little stub of a thing. It's almost like his roses are reaching to the heavens for him and mine are shriveling up like me. I stop and smell them each time one blooms, some days I cut them and take them up to the cemetary for him and say look how big your roses are,they are beautiful just like you. It will be two years and 10 months tomorrow, May 13th. People tell me it will get better, I nod my head, but inside I think, no, it will never get better, time will go by and people grow, but my heart will never heal.