Into the Holidays

I haven't written for quite some time. I think because I just have no words left in me. The trial is fast approaching, but am not going to speak of it here. Will have plenty to say as the time goes on. I think about another Halloween passing and how Timmy always loved it, his favorite, now the depression sinks in again with the holidays fast approaching and a trial on top of it. I think of my other sons, too young to have this in their lives. I think of all my other "mom's" who I love dearly and know the pain they endure also. I think of my family who have to listen to me all the time as the pain doesn't seem to want to subside, I can only say I'm sorry, this is me now, this is my life. I am sad, I hope one day I find some happiness I don't want to feel this way, I don't like being sad, but I miss Timmy with all my heart and cannot fathom for the life of me how anyone could hurt him, I'll never understand, never EVER!!! I have a hole in my heart, the "other" me is gone, that life I had one time is over, this is the new me and the new life I don't want, but will keep going on because I know that Timmy wouldn't want me to give up. I feel bad for my other boys, and I try so hard to keep on keeping on for them. They are so sad, their hearts hurt so badly, and there is nothing I can do. Just to say I'm here and always will be, and having good family and friends who stand by you no matter what, no matter the tears, no matter the sadness, no matter the anger, they are here always and forever and that I am thankful for because without them in my life I would not be able to be as strong as I think I've been. I love my boys, and no matter what happens I will always be there for them, thru the good and the bad, and I love my family and friends and I thank them all for standing by me. I love God, who keeps me going no matter if I am a mess, he always shows me a light in the pitch black darkness.

Summer is Over

Wow I can't believe it's been this long since I wrote here. I don't know if maybe it's just been so hard anymore even going to my baby's memorial site, lighting candles for my other angels. Where has time gone? I think and wonder my God it's been three years. Three years since I saw my baby, heard him laugh, saw that great smile he had, the goofy jokes he told, so many things I've missed. He was too young to leave me, OMG he was only 15 years old. I know I try not to blame God for this, I really do, I don't believe that God would take a young man like this from his family. Not this violent way of leaving this world. I believe that evil took ahold of these mens hearts and that is what killed him, the evilness!!! God would not do this, I try and tell my other sons the same thing. God guides us as best as he can, man has free-will, and these evil men took that gift and made it to hurt someone, or two people I should say. Another young man died that night, only 26 years old. he wasn't bad person, he didn't deserve to die this way either. I was told they were after him, and Timmy was "a casualty of war" a witness. There is no reason or excuse that will ever satisfy my empty heart and soul. I will never understand the reasoning of any of it. I still can't believe he is gone. I cry every day!!! The pain is God-awful. I see my other sons life filled with so much agony, and I think, they not only took my baby, they tood all of us that day, every single one of us died that day. Our life never to be the same again. I'm upside down now, there are two me's now, one before and the me now. I don't like the new "me". I'm always sad, always crying, I lost so much weight I look skeletal. I hate the new me!!! I hate feeling empty inside, I hate the hole in my heart. I feel like I'm not there for my boys when I should be. I can't help it. I feel like so many people don't want to be around me anymore. Who can blame them, I'm so depressing to be around. I know this, but I can't help it, it's the new me!! The one missing her son, the one who crys every night before she goes to sleep, the one who can't look at a picture of him without the pull on the heart, no new pictures to be seen or taken again, no more new memories to share. No more summer fun down the shore and watching him "ride the waves" with his brothers. No more worrying about him falling out of the roller coaster ride and a sigh of relief when the ride is over and they all get off safe and sound. This is the new me, the sad one, the lonely one, the one who really is trying to be OK and can't, the one who tries to laugh and can't, the one who really wants to go to that party, and can't because she is so afraid that she'll cry or upset people or be sad and upset people, who is afraid to talk about her son because she doesn't want to upset anyone, but how the hell can't I talk about him, he was my baby and he was taking from me because 2 men decided that they wanted to kill someone and he was there and would have witnessed it so they killed him too. HE WAS ONLY 15 YEARS OLD FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!! Now I can see why it's been a while since I wrote as I sit here crying my eyes out writing down these words, these feelings, the emptiness I live in now, the heartache I deal with every day. So as you can see they killed me too that day, and left behind an empty shell of the "new me". I hope all my friends can understand where I'm coming from, and my family, I am sorry this is how I am, I'm sorry for being so sad all the time, and I do hope that you all understand and stand by me like you have for these past 3 years because I don't know when I'll ever get any better. Knowing I have everyone there for me, helps me to know that I'm not alone, I will never be alone even though I may think I am. End of summer brings new pain again, seeing all the kids going out for new school supplies and new school clothes. Something we always did together, Timmy loved to shop!! then the changes in the seasons start, summer becomes fall, then Halloween another favorite of Timmy's. Then of course November brings Thanksgiving, how he loved to eat, his favorite meal. Then December comes with Christmas and birthdays.... need I say more??? This is the season I hate the most. This is the time of year I wish I never had to face again. The joyful time of year has become only more tears for me to shed.

3 Year Angel Day

Today is July 23rd, 10 days since my son's 3rd year angelversary. I couldn't write, I didn't know what to write. There are no words to describe the pain I live in. A piece of my heart is missing. Then when this day comes, I feel it for weeks before and weeks after. July is a hard month. We held another candle light vigil for him, so many people still came, his friends, family, neighbors, my friends and my boys friends. I thank them all with my whole heart for supporting me and my family. Being there shows me how much Timmy meant and knowing he touched so many lives. Only 15 years old and cut short by the hands of another. Something I can never nor ever will understand. How do you shot a 15 year old in the back of his head? WHY I ask God every day WHY. I miss him so much, I just want to hug him, hold him, hear that great be laugh he had, the goofy grin, those big blue eyes. I want more memories, I want to go down the beach and watch him ride the waves. I want to hear his voice just one more "I love you mom". WHY?????? A question no one can ever answer. I can't even write these words without crying. I'm so cried out yet the tears seem to always come. the ache in my heart never subsiding. I had a dream about him a few days ago, he is always little in my dreams and the only time he speaks to me when he is a little boy. I had pictures but he wasn't in them and he asked ME why aren't I in these pictures, where am I? I picked him up and held him and said these pictures where from before you were born, I have lots of pictures of you now. I keep thinking was this a message? Was he telling me even though he is not here, I still have pictures and memories, even though he is not physically with me, he is ALWAYS WITH ME. I don't know, but I feel some comfort with this, not much but I love dreaming of him, and hate waking up. It's like God that was only a dream, WHY CAN'T THIS BE ONLY A DREAM???? I love you baby cakes, FLY HIGH.

4th of July

Another holiday missed. This will be my third without Timmy, this 4th of July. My son was killed 9 days later on a Friday the 13th, 2007. I wish I could remember what we did that year. I keep hoping it was a nice holiday for us, with Timmy. He loved the firworks, not just watching them, but setting off his own little display. How is it that 3 years have passed already. In two weeks it will be 3 years he was murdered. I still can't understand why anyone would want to hurt him, he was a good kid, he never bothered anyone. It's been a while since I wrote here, I guess there is just too much going on in my mind to keep it together. To much to write sometimes. I always feel like there is a veil of sadness around me, I don't want people to stray away, but I can't help to feel this way. Especially around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. I try and think of good memories things that I can think that make me happy, but sometimes even those thoughts bring me tears because I know there will be no more memories for me. No new ones to share. I probably wouldn't even be here writing on this blog, my whole life has changed. I'm not the "me" I used to be. I just miss him so much, I can't even describe the emptiness inside my heart. I just always ask why? why? But yet I know even if I got an answer it would never be a good enough answer. There is no reasoning, just evilness. I miss going down the beach, walking the boardwalk. Buying funnel cake with all my boys. Watching them ride the roller coasters, how he loved the rides! Oh and the Go Carts, he couldn't get enough of. He'd get off and get right back in line. These are the times I wish I had a video recorder, I could replay the happiness there once was, instead of the sadness that envelopes my home, my life, my other sons, everything around me feels sad. My niece had a baby boy and she named him Timmy after her favorite cousin, they were like brother and sister. It made me feel so good to hear that, now we have another little Timmy in the family. I just wish God could give me my Timmy back.

Mother's Day 2010

It took me 3 days to write about Mother's Day. It was probably one of the worse Mother's Day I'll ever have. Even though my other boys tried to make it the best they could. My oldest got me two red roses, my middle guy made dinner. But we all were like in a daze of dripping sadness. You could feel it in the air. The pain, the tension, the missing. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I wish I had. It just was painful. I still remember that one Mother's Day how Timmy as young as he was went to the Flower store and got me a beautiful pink rose with baby breath wrapped up in this nice little plastic box with a big red ribbon on it. With $2.00! I even walked around and thanked them, they told me they never had a little boy come in and ask what he could buy his mom with $2.00 so they just had to make it special. It's a wonderful memory, but it's a memory that makes me so sad, I can still see it in my minds eye. He asked me for $2.00 to go to the corner dollar store. And there he went to the flower store instead and got me a present. him walking in the door with this beautiful gift of love. I see him handing it to me, that little boy with those big blue eyes and saying Happy Mother's Day mom. And me walking to the store LOL to thank those nice people for being so generous to make him feel special by giving him the prettiest gift he could give his mom for $2.00. It saddens me to think how I'll never have any of those special moments with my son. no more surprise presents, no more stray cats, no kids being loud, no basketball bouncing out front, or playing football and making the car alarms go off. I search my brain for memories, anything, any memory will do, I want to hear stories about him, I love to hear people talk about him because then it gives me more memories since I know there will never be any more for me. No more greetings when I park the car, yes, when Timmy would be out side and I'd come home he would wait for me to park and walk up to the car as I was getting out and say hi mom how was your day. This was almost every single day! I see it as I park each time, I wish to see him walk up and wait for me to park each night I go home. I can't even look down the street anymore where it happened. I hate driving down there to that corner and have no choice since it's a one way street. I do my best to avoid going further I'd turn and go out of my way most of the time. I bless myself and blow a kiss when I do. This is what I have left. Each time I try and think of a memory and want to write it down so I'll never forget it. I see the rose bushes we planted together and the one I said was his is tall with big red roses and mine is this little stub of a thing. It's almost like his roses are reaching to the heavens for him and mine are shriveling up like me. I stop and smell them each time one blooms, some days I cut them and take them up to the cemetary for him and say look how big your roses are,they are beautiful just like you. It will be two years and 10 months tomorrow, May 13th. People tell me it will get better, I nod my head, but inside I think, no, it will never get better, time will go by and people grow, but my heart will never heal.

My Adventures Part 2

Well as I said in my last post I wanted to keep track of all the craziness in my life because some days I wonder where does all this come from? Sometimes I actually feel like I'm being punished for something maybe I did in a past life or something. I'm a good person, I always try and be nice and do right by people, so why is it that I get hit every single day with something that is like yo hold on now, how much can one person take on? I don't even remember where I left off at last time. I guess I should have read my last post so I know where to begin. Well let's see, my son's car now needs a new alternator. We had this card for what 2 months? Let me tell you, I won't mention names but don't ever buy a car down on Richmond Street. This car has been nothing but a nightmare since we got it. First the thermastat went but they fixed that as it was under 30 day warranty, then the water pump went, then the turn signals wouldn't work. Then as soon as warranty is up, it need a new starter, then the very next day the breaks were squeeling like crazy, you know what it's like to find a place on Easter weekend to get your brakes fixed? Well I did thank God, but when they showed me the rotors on that thing, that car never should have passed inspection, they were so worn down I could tell how bad it was and that's saying something for someone who doesn't know to much about cars. Well lets' flash head, ok, now this car needs an alternator. I won't even go into the story on my car because it's just to much to bare, I can't even write it down. Just the thought of how all this stuff goes wrong every single day makes my stomach sick. And on top of that an important person on my son's case will not be involved (well not as much) but I am a bit upset about that. Oh and the back small panel window on my car is broken, just more money to put out to get fixed, something that I don't have right now so I guess now. You know what it's like to drive down the highway and all you can hear is plastic blowing because we had to tape up the window. It's very annoying, believe me, very! And to top all that off I hit my head on an overhang cabinet and now have a splitting headache. So let's see what tomorrow and the rest of the weekend brings to me, maybe my house will blow away with me in it and I'll be like Dorothy and wake up in Oz.

wishing for days gone by when boys where young, I used to think how hard life was then raising 3 boys on my own, now I'd take those days back in an instant. I'd give out more hugs and kisses and be there more, go to places to have fun, but I had to work full time and I missed a lot of their growing up. Now I'll miss the rest of Timmy's life, gone at 15. How fair is that???? So my questions is, how much can one woman take on in life before they crumble? "Good night baby cakes, don't stay up late, love you".

My Adventures

I've always thought about writing a journal of my crazy daily events that occur in my life. As it would seem the stuff that happens to me, just doesn't seem to happen to a lot of people every day. So I think I might just start writing stuff down because believe it or not, this is all true and yes these kinds of things do happen to me every day. I'm going to start about three weeks ago.... First off, I have a memorial page for my son Timmy. It is my safe haven, somewhere to go and see things his friends and family write, people light candles for him and I change the graphics for each holiday or season. Well one day I received an email that he had a new tribute on his page. I went to view it and it was from one of the "alleged" murderer's brother. He said that he wanted to get in touch with me and give me info about the "actual killers". Well I guess that just took my breath away. It is bad enough that they live around me, and sometimes I see them and do my best to avoid, I don't want confrontations with the family, I know they believe their innocence they have the right to stand by the one they love, as I also have the right to fight for justice for my son. Well after that things just started colliding with one another. I can't go into much of it, but it was just all pieces of the puzzle that almost made me have a nervous breakdown. I took some time off from work, I went back to my counselor. I needed a "step back" so to speak. So each day goes by and more weird things happen. But I get through them. The pain of losing your child to murder is enourmous. I cannot describe it. But then when you have other things that come into play it's almost like "is this stuff really happening to me"??? Like how my door broke, yes my front door. Cracked right in half form the wonderful weather we had and the nice gusty winds. So I had to get a new door. Believe me my dog and cat loved it, if we left the main door open they had a permanent doggy/cat door to go in and out, but with the weather getting nice I was getting lots of flies!!! So I finally did get my door fixed. Now to present day, I am driving to work, low on gas and my tire needs air. I stop and get gas, I go to the air pump. I for the life of me cannot get this thing to work right. The air is going everywhere but in my tire. So I'm frustrated by now and it's getting later, now I'm worried I'll be late for work. So I pull up and get stuck at a red light but in the middle of the intersection. Maybe that's a good thing. Because as I'm sitting there waiting for the light to turn green, a man in his truck waved at me to lower my window, so I do. He said, "you left your gas cap on the trunk of your car". I'm like oh no!!! I'm in the middle of this intersection at a very busy highway! I jump out and low and behold there is my gas cap still on the trunk where I left it. How the heck it didn't fall off from out of the gas station, and down about 6 blocks is besides me! I was so thankful that maybe I was meant to get stuck at this red light that I never get stuck at so this nice man could tell me about my gas cap, otherwise I could have kissed that baby goodbye once I got on the highway! Then of course stuck in traffic and by now totally frustrated. I put on the ipod and each song that was played by random was a song that Timmy liked or one that reminded me of him. Oh and one more thing, since I haven't been finding too many dimes, as I was dusting the other day I picked up something off the computer desk and there were two, yes two, dimes sitting there. I know he's with me all the time, I just wish I could hold him and hug him and tell him how much I love him with all my heart. I also have some cute new pictures that I'll be posting. I had my one son take a picture off his camera phone of a picture, and they actually turned out pretty good. I love all my friends and family who are sticking by me thru this darkness I am currently in. Without them, I would be lost. And I decided that after each post I am going to write down the last words I got to say to my son, sort of how Carol Burnett pulled on her ear for her grandmother who was deaf, my way of saying I'll never forget you. "good night baby cakes, don't stay up late, love ya".