My Adventures

I've always thought about writing a journal of my crazy daily events that occur in my life. As it would seem the stuff that happens to me, just doesn't seem to happen to a lot of people every day. So I think I might just start writing stuff down because believe it or not, this is all true and yes these kinds of things do happen to me every day. I'm going to start about three weeks ago.... First off, I have a memorial page for my son Timmy. It is my safe haven, somewhere to go and see things his friends and family write, people light candles for him and I change the graphics for each holiday or season. Well one day I received an email that he had a new tribute on his page. I went to view it and it was from one of the "alleged" murderer's brother. He said that he wanted to get in touch with me and give me info about the "actual killers". Well I guess that just took my breath away. It is bad enough that they live around me, and sometimes I see them and do my best to avoid, I don't want confrontations with the family, I know they believe their innocence they have the right to stand by the one they love, as I also have the right to fight for justice for my son. Well after that things just started colliding with one another. I can't go into much of it, but it was just all pieces of the puzzle that almost made me have a nervous breakdown. I took some time off from work, I went back to my counselor. I needed a "step back" so to speak. So each day goes by and more weird things happen. But I get through them. The pain of losing your child to murder is enourmous. I cannot describe it. But then when you have other things that come into play it's almost like "is this stuff really happening to me"??? Like how my door broke, yes my front door. Cracked right in half form the wonderful weather we had and the nice gusty winds. So I had to get a new door. Believe me my dog and cat loved it, if we left the main door open they had a permanent doggy/cat door to go in and out, but with the weather getting nice I was getting lots of flies!!! So I finally did get my door fixed. Now to present day, I am driving to work, low on gas and my tire needs air. I stop and get gas, I go to the air pump. I for the life of me cannot get this thing to work right. The air is going everywhere but in my tire. So I'm frustrated by now and it's getting later, now I'm worried I'll be late for work. So I pull up and get stuck at a red light but in the middle of the intersection. Maybe that's a good thing. Because as I'm sitting there waiting for the light to turn green, a man in his truck waved at me to lower my window, so I do. He said, "you left your gas cap on the trunk of your car". I'm like oh no!!! I'm in the middle of this intersection at a very busy highway! I jump out and low and behold there is my gas cap still on the trunk where I left it. How the heck it didn't fall off from out of the gas station, and down about 6 blocks is besides me! I was so thankful that maybe I was meant to get stuck at this red light that I never get stuck at so this nice man could tell me about my gas cap, otherwise I could have kissed that baby goodbye once I got on the highway! Then of course stuck in traffic and by now totally frustrated. I put on the ipod and each song that was played by random was a song that Timmy liked or one that reminded me of him. Oh and one more thing, since I haven't been finding too many dimes, as I was dusting the other day I picked up something off the computer desk and there were two, yes two, dimes sitting there. I know he's with me all the time, I just wish I could hold him and hug him and tell him how much I love him with all my heart. I also have some cute new pictures that I'll be posting. I had my one son take a picture off his camera phone of a picture, and they actually turned out pretty good. I love all my friends and family who are sticking by me thru this darkness I am currently in. Without them, I would be lost. And I decided that after each post I am going to write down the last words I got to say to my son, sort of how Carol Burnett pulled on her ear for her grandmother who was deaf, my way of saying I'll never forget you. "good night baby cakes, don't stay up late, love ya".

My Boys

When I write here or really anywhere I always write about Timmy. Of course I would, he is always on my mind, and I miss him so much, so so much, it hurts so bad. He was my youngest of 3 boys. My little shadow, I took him everywhere with me. We were close, he was like my buddy, even as he got older into the teenage years. He never got in any trouble, he never lied to me, he was shy and quiet but I knew him better than anyone else. Most mom's don't when their boys turn 15 years old, but I can say I knew him best. I raised 3 boys on my own. A single mom with a full time job. I was pregant with Timmy when his Dad & I split up. It was hard, life was not easy. Finding day care, and getting everyone off to school, or when they were sick begging people to watch them for me. I missed a lot of the growing up years, but I tried to keep them all in something, even if they just tried. Like all my boys played football. My middle son who is now 22 he played the longest. Timmy loved football, it was his dream to become a quaterback, but when he was younger he couldn't handle the practices 5 days a week, in 98 degree temps and I'd be picking them up from daycare or day camp and right to practice, with no dinner, they'd be dressing in the car getting them uniforms on. I would bring snacks and water. But after a few weeks and bad migraine headaches he just couldn't do it, but he was little then. We thought once he got into High School he could try out then, he was good, he had an arm on him like you wouldn't believe. But back to what I was saying, as you can see my mind drifts back to Timmy, I don't mean too, it just happens. So my oldest was in karate, football, baseball, etc. and it was hard running from one thing to another and I'm sure all the single moms out there with no support from dad would surely understand what I'm saying. Now my middle guy did football, skate hockey, baseball, etc. and Timmy, well he tried everything!!! Believe it or not they all loved playing chess, something when you see them would be hard to believe, and Timmy could knock you right out after 2 moves!! We used to have game nights, and I'd read to them every night. I remember how my oldest would get so mad as I would read chapters from some favorite books they all were into, and the other two would be jumping up and down in their beds not interested and he would tell them to stop and listen to the story! We had good times, even if they were hard times. Some days I wish I could turn back the hands of time and re-live some of those moments and realize when I thought life was so hard back then, how hard it was raising 3 boys on my own, working a full time job, running around picking everyone up, going home doing dinner, cleaning up, making sure they did their homework, getting baths and lunches for the next day. I just don't know how I even did it!!! I look back now and say, God I'd take those days back anytime. After losing a son to murder, that was all a piece of cake! But I love all my boys, thru good times and bad time, thru thick and thin. I just wish life would have been a lot easier, better and simpler for them. They deserved it. They had it hard too.

Easter

Easter is just a few days away. I don't do well on holidays anymore. I remember how I used to get all the Easter Candy and hide it. Each one would get a basket and a few special treats. One of the favorite things I liked to do was put some movies in them. Then we could watch the movie during the day while dinner cooked. I remember the year before Timmy was killed I didn't do any Easter baskets. Oh my how upset he was. He said to me why didn't you make us any baskets? I explained that I thought maybe they were getting too old to have Easter baskets, I mean he was 14 years old, right? Oh no, he said, not me. Please mom next year I want an Easter basket, don't forget. So the following year, the Easter right before he was murdered I made them all Easter baskets. I wish I could find the pictures. I wish I had a digital camera back then with all the pictures I could have taken. The memories each holiday brings me sometimes are good ones, like this, but then I think that was my final and last Easter Basket for him. One time oh a long time ago when he was much younger, his older brother broke his ankle the night before Easter Sunday. We were all supposed to decorate the Easter eggs. I had the dye and all! Well I spent most of the night in the ER and didn't get home unitl after midnight. Timmy waited up, I promised to dye the eggs he said, we sat there at 1:00AM dying eggs so we'd have them for Easter the next day. Oh how tired I was I remember, but I had to keep my promise. Another one of those memories I'm so glad that I did what I did. Like if I didn't do that Easter basket because I just thought they were getting too old for them, then I wouldn't have that one last Easter memory of making sure he got his basket that year. So do I make a basket for my older boys this year? I was thinking of just making up one big one, we can call it Timmy's Easter Basket and share in the treasure of all the candy he loved. He definitly had a sweet tooth, that's for sure! Happy Easter my sweet angel.

Spring?

Today is a very bad day for me. I sit in pain with my back and wish I could go to the dr's but have little money to do so, getting the precriptions filled too. In between paychecks is the worst time. But Spring is coming and that makes me even sadder because Timmy isn't here. I always sit outside and watch how all the kids play, or hang out and remember how he loved to play football. Every night I'd come home and he'd be out there with his friends either playing a game or just tossing it back and forth. A few nights ago my neighbor was telling me how sometimes if no one was around, he'd just throw the ball down the street and run and get it and then throw it back, over and over! That's how much he loved playing football. It was an all year round sport for him. So now that the weather had warmed up for a bit, which was just a teaser since it is now cold and rainy again, it brings back those memories. Everyone tells me try and remember all the good things, it's hard to do you know when the old memories is all I have. I won't have any new memories as the years go by. He was 15 years old, I should have so many more years worth of memories from him, but never will I. This has taken a toll on me many people don't seem to understand. How I should be over this, be better, keep moving on. I know they mean well, but really, just don't say it. I am where I am, I am who I am now, I may never be better, I may one day?? who knows, but right now I doubt it! I cry at the drop of a hat, I cry and anything that might remind me of him, a smell, a kid riding a bike, boys playing football.... how does a mother get over her 15 year old son being shot to the back of his head execution style for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?? Please, if anyone knows the answer to this, really knows the answer, I want to know it, I want to feel that I'm ok and I'm not crazy and I want to know that I will see my son again and that he is happy and we will meet one day. I want to know why? Why would 2 men kill an innocent little boy? I want to know what they thought when they did this, how could they do this? they are dad's themselves could they not see this is someone's child? The coldness and evilness has taken over too many hearts in this world we live in. So another Spring to face, more memories I know I'll never have, more crying to do, and just trying to hang on as each day passes. It's all I can do right now.

Random Thoughts

When Timmy started 9th grade he became very sick. he was put on homebound for a few months, then got sicker. He had cat scratch disease from a kitten he found and begged me to keep. It was infested with fleas. Him and his friend gave that kitten two baths and combed him out really nice. I already had 2 cats and a dog, didn't really want another one, but he begged me! He loved animals and would always try and con me into getting something. We had fish, hamster, guinea pig, he also wanted to get an one of those exotic birds! Which I was afraid our cats would eat! But we would go to the pet store and look and look. He was famous for carrying his little guinea pig around that he called "Sniffs" in his little carrying case, took him to school for show and tell, he was a big hit! So to find out that he had gotten so sick from a kitten just floored me. Anyway he had to go to the hospital as he developed these terrible abcesses in his throat. They had to cut his throat open and drain it. Then pack it. He was on IV antibiotics, morphine and all. He was in a lot of pain. This all happened during Valentines Day 2007. Five months before he would be shot execution style on the way home from the store. They gave him a teddy bear that he swore he was just too old to keep, so I kept it. I sleep with that Teddy Bear every night now, I kiss it like it was him and say good night Timmy I love you always and forever. Every night! Why do these things happen? Why would anyone want to kill a 15 year old kid, who did nothing to no one. he was a good kid, he kept to himself, he was a homebody, always wanted to just have his friends hang out at the house. Playing video games, or on the computer, working out since he lost weight he wanted to build up his muscles, he loved to jump on the trampoline and do tricks which made me too nervous to watch. I think of these things every day and wonder how can anyone have wanted to hurt him?

2 Years 8 Months

Saturday 3/13/10 was two years and 3 months. Some days are harder than others. Each day never is easy though. I try and find different ways to keep my mind busy but it always comes back to my son. Why is the constant question I keep asking myself, why would anyone kill a 15 year old kid? Who did nothing to no one. He never hurt anyone, he never got in any trouble, he was shy and quiet, he was a homebody. So why????? I don't think the answer will ever be good enough for me. My God you don't know how much I miss him. the tears just build in my eyes each time I thing of Timmy. the pain is unbearable. So many people say move on, he would not want you to be unhappy or cry all the time. And I know this, I know he would not want me to be unhappy, he was my buddy, he hated to see me upset so of all people he would be the first to say please mom don't cry. But I can't stop. I will never be able to stop. No matter what words people say to me, out of the kindness of their hearts, I say to them, I will never ever be the same. This is the ME now, I will try and smile and laugh, but it doesn't come easily. I will talk about my son all the time and I hope you all understand that. It seems like since my son was killed, my life fell apart, he was my glue that kept everything together. Now that he is gone my life has unravelled and this is something I cannot help, no matter what I do no matter what I try it seems like my life has taken the downward spiral. Believe me I don't want to be this way, I want to feel life again, I want to be happy, I don't want to cry all the time and be sad all the time, but I can't help it. My true friends who have been there for me all this time and stay with me no matter what I love you all from the bottom of my heart because sticking around for me and holding me up when things are so bad just proves to me that I am still loved, even though the darkness touched my life, I am still loved, even though my soul and heart hurts so bad and I cry all the time, I am still loved. Timmy will always be loved forever until the day we meet again as he touched so many peoples hearts, he lives on forever. And that is something no one can take away. They may have killed him in body, but his life, love, laughter, smile, funny jokes, goffiness, the Timmy we all know, is in us all, in our hearts, and in our souls.

Each Day

Each day brings to me more tears it seems.  I wish I had started a blog 2 years ago.  I used to write a journal but it became to difficult to write in it each night.  I would wind up crying most of the time.  Starting this today I will go back in time as much as I can and share the memories I have, the joy, the pain, the heartache.  It all adds up to the days of my life.  Last night as I sat to eat dinner, I could hear a basketball being bounced outside the house.  I nearly chocked on my food.  I started to sob.  Why?  Well we have a basketball court out front and Timmy and his friends would all play basketball out there.  I used to always complain to them how the ball always landed on my flowers and how they were ruining my rose bush.  To think, I'd take it all back in a heart beat.  So many things I would take back, just to have my son with me.  So many things I wish I never said, so many things I wish I DID say.  It eats you up alive, tears at your heart strings.  How can a mom whose son was murdered at the age of 15 go on?  Is it even possible?