Another Christmas

its been so long since I wrote here. I feel like my life has become nothing but sadness. How does one go through losing two sons. Enjoy birthdays holidays ???  Now my only son left is in jail. Why?  Drugs. His brother died in his arms. His pop pop died 4 months later. He was injured had 2 foot surgeries and became addicted to the pain pills but it turned out to be not ennui ugh to numb his pain. He was in the army national guard. He wanted to make that a career. Now because of his foot he could do the ruck marches. He's so smart. Loves history and math. He could have done anything. Any of my boys could. But those murderers destroyed my family. I know I can't keep that anger in my heart but I can't help it. Now here o am at Xmas by myself. Alone in my misery. I try n smile oh I'm ok. I fool ppl a lot. I have to. I have to move one foot ahead of each other even if it's one minute at a time. I love my boys. I can't stand not having any of them here. I can't decorate. I can't feel the holiday spirit. But I will be strong for him. My Matt bi love unconditionally as I do all my boys. Until the end of time.

Spring?

Well the winter is over (sort of) the weather keeps going up and down.  Some days it's nice some days windy and chilly.  It was Easter last weekend and I went to the the flower store to get a flower for my sons grave.  After my Joey died they didn't grow back, the flowers I had planted for Timmy.  Of course because they had to dig the grave for my oldest son.  I was thinking this on my way home, I just started to cry.  Here I am thinking how pretty this flower is and how nice it would look since no flowers will grow that I've already planted, and it's Easter when I should be buying candy, filling up Easter baskets.

When Timmy was 14 years old I didn't make any Easter baskets.  When he woke up and come downstairs he asked me where are the Easter Baskets.  So I said well I figured you guys where to old for baskets, he said mom, you're never too old for Easter Baskets, please promise me next year you will get me one.  I agreed!  So the following year in 2007, I made all 3 boys a basket.  Timmy was really happy.  He even remembered and told me thanks mom I'm glad you made us baskets, I would have been really disappointed. So here I look at this flower and think, that was my last Easter with him.  He was murdered in July 2007.  I was glad I got him that basket, glad he told me you're never too old for candy.  But it still hurts my heart knowing he is not here.  And now missing my first Easter without my Joey.  He liked to eat the dinner than eat the candy!!!!  I feel cheated.

Racial Profiling?

I am taking the idea of a "mom" friend and will be trying to post or add a pic each day as best as I can.  As my life is so complicated, maybe one day it will be a good read for my son.  Talking about my son, last night him and a friend went out to the store, (not in my area).  His friend is black.  Well they went to the store, and as they were leaving there was a police car in front of them.  The cop car pulled over.  Once my son passed this cop car, they pulled up behind him and put on their flashers!?  Why?  They weren't going fast, all lights are fine?  They just came out of the store?  So what's the problem?  Of course they made them get out of the car, they searched my car like they were drug dealers, they went thru the little trash bag I keep because I don't like to litter and throw things out the window.  The went thru the ash tray, my glove compartment, and they even checked his drink (he had just bought a "Monster"), of course they found nothing!!!!  So why were they stopped???  I have no clue, they did not tell my son why they were stopped.  I guess they felt that a white guy and a black guy can't drive in the same car unless they are drug dealers??????  Pissed me off because on top of that, the time they took searching my car, the headlights were on, all the doors open and it drained my battery so now after the cops so graciously leave, my son and his friend were stuck because the car battery went dead, plus with this cold weather doesn't help.  They had to wait over an hour for another friend to come and jump them.  Apparently my jumper cables don't work.  So thank you Mr. Policeman, instead of looking for real criminals, you wasted your time on my son and his friend whose only vice was to go get a drink at the store and all the time you searched my vehicle that is fully insured and registered legally, you blew out my battery.  Thank you for keeping me up to midnight worrying about him since I lost my other 2 sons tragically I worry all the time about him.

But that's my life and so another day begins.......................

Who is your hero?

I was listening to a song by the Foo Fighters called "Hero" and was wondering who would I consider my hero???  When I was young it was my dad, of course every young girl thinks their dad is their hero.  As I got a little older, it was my mom.  She was the strength of the whole family.  I saw it through more of a grown ups eye.  Taking care of 6 kids, 2 handicapped sons.  Life was hard on my mom.  She died when she was 58 years old a year before the birth of my oldest son Joey.  She never got to see any of my boys.  Now I wonder, are there any true heros out there????  Well, now I have to say I have 3 heros.  My 3 sons.  First, Timmy.  15 years old.  He had a hard time in school.  he hated school.  but he was a good kid.  loved football and playing video games.  Jumping on the trampoline was the best gift I ever got him.  Him and his friends did all kinds of crazy stuff on that thing.  I couldn't even watch sometimes it scared the crap out of me.  Then in July 13, 2007 he was murdered.  Anyone reading my blog would know how and when.  Shot in the back of his head.  I think often was he scared, what were his last thoughts, did he know how much I loved him.  He is one true hero to me, and I believe to many of his friends and family.  Because he was such a good person, kind heart, I always considered him an "old soul".  He had the biggest prettiest blue eyes, and a killer smile with a big dimple.  I miss that face and a laugh that would make you laugh with him, he had that addicting laugh!!  Next would be my son Joey.  My sweet first son, my true blessing as I thought I was never able to have children.  Holding him the first time was such joy.  As he grew up he was teased a lot because of his ears.  He hated his ears.  I told him as he grew his head would grow and his ears wouldn't so they'd fit just right as he got older!!!  He had a hard time with things in life, started using drugs.  Got in trouble with the law.  Facing a trial when his brother was shot down like a dog in the street.  He ID'd Timmy that night, no one was sure who it was.  They came and got Joey who would not let them wake me up.  That image burnt in his brain for the rest of his short life.  He blamed himself all the time.  He lost his friend too that night.  Damian.  Then he had to go away for a year.  He did great when he got home.  So proud of himself.  Went back to trade school.  But his friend he leant his car too got in an accident and totalled the car.  He was devestated.  He tried so hard in school but he was late all the time and it put a lot of stress on him.  Then the trial came, that was the beginning to the end.  He never got over that trial.  he would cry all the time for his brother, himself, for me and for his other brother Matt.  He had a good heart, he was crazy yes, I won't not admit that, he defended himself and his family.  He'd defend his friends to the end.  He never backed down.  But he was a good person, he had a great sense of humor, but a broken heart.  No one truly understood Joey.  No one saw the pain he had.  No one understood how lost he felt.  But he kept on trying and to the end he still tried to do the best he could do.  Only thing that keeps me from completely falling apart is thinking that God felt it was his time, he suffered too much, he is now one of God's warriors.  My third hero, is my son Matt.  He is such a smart guy.  Always did great in school.  Loves history and math.  Has a beautiful smile.  He is a good man.  Joined the National Guard which was brutal some times.  Then broke his foot in 10 places, awful ordeal.  But now losing two brothers has left him beaten, fallen, coping as best he can.  How can a 26 year old deal with this much loss and pain in their life I always wonder.  He is the main reason why I am still standing.  He is suffering terribly.  But he still tries to smile that beautiful smile.  He is trying so hard to keep it going, imagine losing two of your brothers????  Then he lost his pop-pop just not 2 months ago.  I know how hard it is for me.  Losing two sons, no mother should endure the pain of losing even one child!!!!!  I can't imagine how hard it is for him, I see how it affects him.  But he still gets up every day and does the best he can, he has troubles yes, but he shines on for me.  I love them all with all my heart. I pray that Matt and I will get through this even with broken hearts, I want him to be happy and have a good life, raise a family.  My three sons, my true heros.

Thanksgiving 2013

I think I might try to come here more often and just write how crazy life is for me.  Each day faced with new hurtles to get through.  I don't know but there are times I feel that Timmy was like the glue that kept everything together, and now that he is gone we've all just fallen to the wayside.  After losing my oldest son Joey, I start my grief anew again.  It took 6 years to even start to go through Timmy's clothes.  Now I face the hardship of looking at my Joey's things and saying no, I can't do this, not again.  Now faced with the holidays I face more pain and sorry.  Holidays without one son who was murdered at the age of 15 is sheer nightmare, but losing my oldest to relapsing due to his brother's murder is just a whole different pain.  My heart is so torn apart.  How does a family with 3 sons, turn to a family of one son.  I worry about my remaining son.  He is alone.  I think of how when they were younger and would fight and I'd tell them how they need to stick together because if anything happened to me, they'd have each other.  I'm glad to have my sisters and my one sisters girls, and their kids who I know will always be there for him.  But it's just so heartbreaking.  I don't know the turmoil my son goes through he doesn't talk about it much.  I just know I worry about him.  I cannot seem to want to face the holidays.  Some days I just pretend they're not even just around the corner.  Now here it is two days before Thanksgiving.  And now to face not one empty placemat, but 2 empty placemats.  How can that be fair?  They say God gives you just enough to handle, well I think God needs to know I'm overburdened and cannot take anymore.  I don't want to face the holidays again without my sons, without my oldest who so wanted a nice Christmas last year but things got a little screwed up and it didn't turn out the way it should have.  I cry about that all the time.  He didn't get the Christmas he wanted, now he is gone.  I can see him in my minds eye, with that smile and saying let's get a real tree this year mom, it's going to be the best Christmas ever, I promise.  I know he didn't mean to break his promise, it was taken from him.

My Joey

It's been so long

How do I write a post since it's been such a long time since I wrote here. And so many awful things to write about. On June 8th, 2013 I lost another son. My son Joey. He was my oldest. 27 years old. He relapsed. Let me tell you about my Joey. He was a good guy, he had the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone. He had a great, dry sense of humor. He could tell you scriptures off the top of his head. He had hard times though. When his baby brother Timmy was murdered, he was going through a trial of his own. He was in a fight with an ex-friend, well this ex-friend who stole from us after we opened our home to him, and that is the reason why Joey got into the fight with him, pressed charges. he had his first court hearing the day we buried Timmy. (of course he couldn't go) But let me go back a bit to that night, he didn't wake me up, he went to id his brother laying on the pavement in a pool of blood. An image no 21 year old should have to endure, why? Because he didn't want me to have to do it. He didn't want me to bare the pain of that image embedded into his brain for the rest of his young life. He saved me from this. He went to jail only 3 months after Timmy was murdered. How do you grieve locked up?? You can't cry, you can't mourn. He was so scared, so upset and you can see how he declined, but he put up the image of I'm ok! He gained weight, he stopped using drugs, he went to a rehab where he had a wonderful counselor who knew what it was like to lose someone you love to murder. He came home. He wanted to move but i couldn't afford to move. I had to live in the same house where my son Timmy was killed right down the street. This affected both my sons. But more for Joey. He went to a trade school for auto mechanic he was doing great. Had a car, but then his friend that he let use it crashed it and totaled it. Then the trial came up. After the arrests were made, which took 14 months, my son always believed that they thought Timmy was him, because he had his shirt on and looked like each other. 14 months he endured the pain that his brother was killed for mistaken identity. But once we found out the truth that the friend Timmy was with who was Joey's friend, they were after because he was black and had a baby with a white girl. it was her brother and brother in law that killed them. Timmy was a "casualty of war" a "lose end", yes that's what they called him because he knew them. Well when the trial came up my son slipped into despair, forever fighting the urge of going back to doing drugs. But he fell into it anyway, but this time it was the bad stuff. I tried so hard to get him help, in and out of different rehabs. I even called his PO on him she had him arrested, he became clean again then to another place for outpatient, that still didn't help. But he tried so very very hard. He really did. But his soul was lost, he was sad, he suffered nightmares, and insomnia. he blamed himself for Timmy's death, he was so worried about never getting a job, not becoming somthing important. He worried that if he lost me, there would be no one left for him. He felt like no one loved him enough to be there for him, but yet he was so wrong. So many people did love him, he just didn't see it. That night on June 8th, after being clean for a long time, him and his other brother were playing video game. My other son wanted to go to bed, Joey begged him to stay up play one more game. No, his brother said, I'm tired. What made Joey go out that night and relapse? I'll never know. I just know I was woken up to sirens, (my son did not wake me up) after he went to bed, about an hour later he went down to get a drink and found his older brother unconcious. Still sitting in front of the TV where he was playing the game. he tried to revive him, he called 911, and he didn't wake me up. He too didn't want me to suffer the sight of another son being taken away. But I did wake up. I went downstairs and saw all these people in my living room and my son laying there while they worked on him. And my middle guy just standing there white as a ghost. They did everything and all I did was freak out. Not again, not again!!! My car was in the shop, when they took him to the hospital. My neighbor drove me to the hospital. When we got there, they took us to a room. I said to her this is not good why would they take us to a room they would have taken us to his bed, they did this to me with my brother when he died. Then 3 doctors came in, one asked for me by name, and sat down on the chair and said I'm so very sorry we tried everything we could. I lost it, I screamed I cried I got on my knees and begged him, please don't tell me my son died, I held his hands and begged and begged and he looked at me in sorrow. I got up and said I want to see my son then. They looked surprised? I dont' know why but they did. I went to his bedside and there laid my first born son, looking like he was asleep, but had been gone from me. I laid on top of him and cried and kissed his face and told him I love you, I love you, I love you. I kissed his hands, I rubbed his hair, I brushed the whiskers on his face. I shall never forget that day, just like the day my Timmy was murdered. To me, those 2 men who killed Timmy, inadvertently killed Joey. He never was able to go on in his life because of what happened to his baby brother, see he was the oldest son, he was supposed to protect him. In my eyes, they killed him too. I love you Joey, with all my heart and soul. You shall always be with me as your brother Timmy is. You shall never be forgotten.