Thanksgiving 2013

I think I might try to come here more often and just write how crazy life is for me.  Each day faced with new hurtles to get through.  I don't know but there are times I feel that Timmy was like the glue that kept everything together, and now that he is gone we've all just fallen to the wayside.  After losing my oldest son Joey, I start my grief anew again.  It took 6 years to even start to go through Timmy's clothes.  Now I face the hardship of looking at my Joey's things and saying no, I can't do this, not again.  Now faced with the holidays I face more pain and sorry.  Holidays without one son who was murdered at the age of 15 is sheer nightmare, but losing my oldest to relapsing due to his brother's murder is just a whole different pain.  My heart is so torn apart.  How does a family with 3 sons, turn to a family of one son.  I worry about my remaining son.  He is alone.  I think of how when they were younger and would fight and I'd tell them how they need to stick together because if anything happened to me, they'd have each other.  I'm glad to have my sisters and my one sisters girls, and their kids who I know will always be there for him.  But it's just so heartbreaking.  I don't know the turmoil my son goes through he doesn't talk about it much.  I just know I worry about him.  I cannot seem to want to face the holidays.  Some days I just pretend they're not even just around the corner.  Now here it is two days before Thanksgiving.  And now to face not one empty placemat, but 2 empty placemats.  How can that be fair?  They say God gives you just enough to handle, well I think God needs to know I'm overburdened and cannot take anymore.  I don't want to face the holidays again without my sons, without my oldest who so wanted a nice Christmas last year but things got a little screwed up and it didn't turn out the way it should have.  I cry about that all the time.  He didn't get the Christmas he wanted, now he is gone.  I can see him in my minds eye, with that smile and saying let's get a real tree this year mom, it's going to be the best Christmas ever, I promise.  I know he didn't mean to break his promise, it was taken from him.

My Joey

It's been so long

How do I write a post since it's been such a long time since I wrote here. And so many awful things to write about. On June 8th, 2013 I lost another son. My son Joey. He was my oldest. 27 years old. He relapsed. Let me tell you about my Joey. He was a good guy, he had the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone. He had a great, dry sense of humor. He could tell you scriptures off the top of his head. He had hard times though. When his baby brother Timmy was murdered, he was going through a trial of his own. He was in a fight with an ex-friend, well this ex-friend who stole from us after we opened our home to him, and that is the reason why Joey got into the fight with him, pressed charges. he had his first court hearing the day we buried Timmy. (of course he couldn't go) But let me go back a bit to that night, he didn't wake me up, he went to id his brother laying on the pavement in a pool of blood. An image no 21 year old should have to endure, why? Because he didn't want me to have to do it. He didn't want me to bare the pain of that image embedded into his brain for the rest of his young life. He saved me from this. He went to jail only 3 months after Timmy was murdered. How do you grieve locked up?? You can't cry, you can't mourn. He was so scared, so upset and you can see how he declined, but he put up the image of I'm ok! He gained weight, he stopped using drugs, he went to a rehab where he had a wonderful counselor who knew what it was like to lose someone you love to murder. He came home. He wanted to move but i couldn't afford to move. I had to live in the same house where my son Timmy was killed right down the street. This affected both my sons. But more for Joey. He went to a trade school for auto mechanic he was doing great. Had a car, but then his friend that he let use it crashed it and totaled it. Then the trial came up. After the arrests were made, which took 14 months, my son always believed that they thought Timmy was him, because he had his shirt on and looked like each other. 14 months he endured the pain that his brother was killed for mistaken identity. But once we found out the truth that the friend Timmy was with who was Joey's friend, they were after because he was black and had a baby with a white girl. it was her brother and brother in law that killed them. Timmy was a "casualty of war" a "lose end", yes that's what they called him because he knew them. Well when the trial came up my son slipped into despair, forever fighting the urge of going back to doing drugs. But he fell into it anyway, but this time it was the bad stuff. I tried so hard to get him help, in and out of different rehabs. I even called his PO on him she had him arrested, he became clean again then to another place for outpatient, that still didn't help. But he tried so very very hard. He really did. But his soul was lost, he was sad, he suffered nightmares, and insomnia. he blamed himself for Timmy's death, he was so worried about never getting a job, not becoming somthing important. He worried that if he lost me, there would be no one left for him. He felt like no one loved him enough to be there for him, but yet he was so wrong. So many people did love him, he just didn't see it. That night on June 8th, after being clean for a long time, him and his other brother were playing video game. My other son wanted to go to bed, Joey begged him to stay up play one more game. No, his brother said, I'm tired. What made Joey go out that night and relapse? I'll never know. I just know I was woken up to sirens, (my son did not wake me up) after he went to bed, about an hour later he went down to get a drink and found his older brother unconcious. Still sitting in front of the TV where he was playing the game. he tried to revive him, he called 911, and he didn't wake me up. He too didn't want me to suffer the sight of another son being taken away. But I did wake up. I went downstairs and saw all these people in my living room and my son laying there while they worked on him. And my middle guy just standing there white as a ghost. They did everything and all I did was freak out. Not again, not again!!! My car was in the shop, when they took him to the hospital. My neighbor drove me to the hospital. When we got there, they took us to a room. I said to her this is not good why would they take us to a room they would have taken us to his bed, they did this to me with my brother when he died. Then 3 doctors came in, one asked for me by name, and sat down on the chair and said I'm so very sorry we tried everything we could. I lost it, I screamed I cried I got on my knees and begged him, please don't tell me my son died, I held his hands and begged and begged and he looked at me in sorrow. I got up and said I want to see my son then. They looked surprised? I dont' know why but they did. I went to his bedside and there laid my first born son, looking like he was asleep, but had been gone from me. I laid on top of him and cried and kissed his face and told him I love you, I love you, I love you. I kissed his hands, I rubbed his hair, I brushed the whiskers on his face. I shall never forget that day, just like the day my Timmy was murdered. To me, those 2 men who killed Timmy, inadvertently killed Joey. He never was able to go on in his life because of what happened to his baby brother, see he was the oldest son, he was supposed to protect him. In my eyes, they killed him too. I love you Joey, with all my heart and soul. You shall always be with me as your brother Timmy is. You shall never be forgotten.

Thanksgiving 2012

Another holiday past and missing Timmy more each day. This is such a hard time of the year, not only for me, but my boys, my family and friends. Those who lost someone they love, or are sick, or having finanicial hard times. I keep you all in my prayers. I write this post not only for my son Timmy, but also for Kim one of my mom friends who died suddenly. She was one of the first mom's I met on a message forum called Mothers of Murdered Sons and Daughters. I made many good friends there and I love them all, they don't judge me, or think differenly of me because of my grief or tell me it's time to move on, it's been long enough. Kim used to carry Timmy's poster to any of the rally's or walks or remberance days with her and her daughter's Kaylin, that is something I will always treasure. And also for my dearest friend Melinda who lost another son, losing two sons, it's hard enough losing one, but two? I am amazed by her courage! I write these blogs not only in memory of Timmy, or some days just feeling bad for things that keep going wrong. Each day is something different to deal with, but I also want to try and remmeber to write about my good friends, and my great family who are always there for me. For my two boys who are going thru bad times, to tell them I love them and will always be here for them. I know they miss their brother, they are sad, not to many people realize it's hard for siblings TOO! We all deal with our pain in different ways, but it's always there, never leaving, maybe a moment of laughter, or a joke, it takes the heartache away for just one moment, but then they are the moments we need to hold on to because life is to short. I remember in the beginning I used to write a journal about Timmy and each day I'd write a memory of him. There are many and I'm so afraid of losing them. Sometimes my boys would tell me a story and I'd be like oh wow I didn't know that, or maybe one of his friends would tell me something funny he did and I'd laugh knowing something new about him. I don't want people to stop talking about him because they think it might hurt me or make me cry. I love hearing stories of him and the funny things he did, or even the stupid things he did it gives me more memories. 15 years is not enough memories to have, but those I do I hold onto so tightly. I'd like to think that speaking about him or the pain I've lived thru maybe can help someone else, knowing they are not alone. We are bound by our angels, bound by our love, bound by our familes and our other children who also grieve. Timmy loved this time of year, he loved the cold weather, the snow, the holidays. He loved Christmas and was the first to get up each morning even though when it was time for school you couldn't even get him out of bed, but Christmas he was up at 6am!!! Begging me to wake his brothers up and making him wait cause it was way to early! So now each time I write I'm going to try and write a memory any kind, good, bad, funny, crazy, etc. I hope that anyone who reads this it will put a smile on thier face and think of my son, and think of their children and cherish each memory whether good or bad, because they fade away so quickly. So my memory for today is: My neighbor's nephew was being punished, we live right next door to each other, our houses connect as we live in twins. Well he was good friends with Timmy so him being punished to his room, Timmy would climb out my bedroom window and sneak across the roof and sit there at his friends window talking to him to keep him company cause he wasn't allowed out! that's Timmy for you, always there for a friend in need. Good night baby cakes, I love you ♥

An Angels Message

A poem I wrote for my baby cakes. An Angels Message One day an angel came to me and asked me why I was so sad. I said that you were taken fro me by another persons hands. I felt that my life has ended that day you were called back home And felt that life had no meaning ever since you've been gone. I never felt so broken in heart, mind and soul and why God would do this to leave me so broken and so cold. The Angel replied so nicely in words of compassionate and love. Don't think that God has abandoned you as he watches from above. He brought your son to glory and he suffers no more pain. He shines on brightly in all the stars above, his spirit lives on forever as gently as Aprils rain. He has never left you and watches when you cry, he holds your hand and wishes he could take away your pain. He sees you When you blow a kiss to him each and every single night. He doesn't want to see you sad and wants you to be alright. He asked me to tell you he is happy and content for he has seen the light. Please don't live in sorrow, please don't live in despair. Remember him as happy and know he is always there. He sends you so many signs just to let you know, she told me to remember all the dimes and how big the roses grow. They are little gifts from him because he knows you love him so. One thing the Angel also said and oh with such delight, he hears your message you send him each and every night. He truly wants you to know this and to make sure I won't forget, remember the words mom you say to me each night, that when it's time God calls you home I'll meet you at the crossroads and hold you oh so tight.

Been So Long

I haven't written here is so long! So much has happened these last few months. Life has been so unkind to us I wonder some days how I get up each day. My boys are suffering so and I just pray each night that they be ok. Matt broke his foot in 10 places and needed surgery. Joey is just so unhappy. Well we all are. People look at us thru differnt eyes, they don't realize that we still suffer each day in pain. Good friends and family do, but when something happens, the looks I see that I get makes me want to cry. Like we are good people, but sometimes the pain and the hardship of each day living just trying to be normal can be so hard on us. All of us includes my sons. They suffer too. Maybe it's been 5 years now but grief can strangle you at any time and take away all you worked for to get back to that "normal" place, just to bring you back down. We had a candle light vigil for Timmy his 5 year angel day July 13th 2012. It even fell on a Friday the 13th. I decided it would be my last one, only next time thur the years I want to just keep it a simple personal family thing, its just to hard on me anymore and so hard on my boys. Timmy will never be forgotten. I love him always and I love my boys. I pray each night they find some peace in their hearts and the understand in others. And wish that people would also know that this is a life time membership of pain, never would I wish on anyone, but just ask for understanding and pray for my family, especially my boys. They need that more now than ever!

Happiness?

I made a new video of Timmy last week. It was hard to imagine doing but I wanted to, it feels like I'm doing something if that makes any sense. So much going on in life, I cry so many nights over losing my son, seeing my family fall apart. Wondering when does it ever get better, does it ever get better? I feel like I'll never feel that true happiness in life, like my candle blew out when Timmy was killed. It flickers off and on, trying to keep the rest of us together. How does one do that when you feel like there is nothing left of you to give? I see so many of his friends growing up, all the things I missed. Learning how to drive, graduating school, falling in love, some having babies, Timmy always wanted kids, so funny a 15 year old boy telling his mom, I'm going to have 4 kids when I get married! You don't hear that to often. He wanted to be a good dad, he loved his dad but his dad wasn't there very much for him. I was mom and dad to all my boys. Last night I cried to God and asked him what did I do wrong??? Why is life so cruel? Am I being punished or is this just a test? I want my boys to be happy and live good happy lives, but it's turned all upside down when my son was murdered. I see so much evil in this world, I remember days watching the news and someone getting killed and thinking oh that poor family, that poor mother, and now I live it and think how does anyone get through this? How do you keep you family together. I so much support and love from all my family and friends. It helps me keep going, but the pain is so deep down inside me that nothing ever will pull it out. Like some days I watch that show House and wish I could go to someone like that and ask what's wrong with me and they figure it all out and make me better. So many people tell me how strong I am, and I really don't feel like I am strong, I just get by each day. I keep my faith in my heart that God will help me through all of this, and knowing one day I'll see my son again. But the NOW days is what hurts. I just want happiness back, I want to be able to laugh and see my boys laugh again. Really laugh, just stomach hurting laughter. Is that too much to ask for? I go to Timmy's memorial sites and wish there was more I could put on, more I could say, more pictures to post. I have so many of him when he was little but not so many when he was 15, I'm so happy for my sister and family and his friends to have giving me the pictures I do have. Isn't it sad to be happy over a picture? Knowing that's all you got. I miss him. I miss him. I cry every night telling him how much I love and miss him. Why can't I dream of him? I just want him to come home. I want my family to be happy, I want my boys to be ok. It's not fair that they have to live thru this so young, they have this to bear for so much longer than I do. People don't realize how much siblings suffer. They suffer more than you know. One thing I would like to say to them is, don't think that just because you think they should be "over this" and falling to pieces is unacceptable to you in your life, until you walk in their shoes, do not judge my boys. They have enough to deal with, then to deal with ignorance.