An Angels Message

A poem I wrote for my baby cakes. An Angels Message One day an angel came to me and asked me why I was so sad. I said that you were taken fro me by another persons hands. I felt that my life has ended that day you were called back home And felt that life had no meaning ever since you've been gone. I never felt so broken in heart, mind and soul and why God would do this to leave me so broken and so cold. The Angel replied so nicely in words of compassionate and love. Don't think that God has abandoned you as he watches from above. He brought your son to glory and he suffers no more pain. He shines on brightly in all the stars above, his spirit lives on forever as gently as Aprils rain. He has never left you and watches when you cry, he holds your hand and wishes he could take away your pain. He sees you When you blow a kiss to him each and every single night. He doesn't want to see you sad and wants you to be alright. He asked me to tell you he is happy and content for he has seen the light. Please don't live in sorrow, please don't live in despair. Remember him as happy and know he is always there. He sends you so many signs just to let you know, she told me to remember all the dimes and how big the roses grow. They are little gifts from him because he knows you love him so. One thing the Angel also said and oh with such delight, he hears your message you send him each and every night. He truly wants you to know this and to make sure I won't forget, remember the words mom you say to me each night, that when it's time God calls you home I'll meet you at the crossroads and hold you oh so tight.

Been So Long

I haven't written here is so long! So much has happened these last few months. Life has been so unkind to us I wonder some days how I get up each day. My boys are suffering so and I just pray each night that they be ok. Matt broke his foot in 10 places and needed surgery. Joey is just so unhappy. Well we all are. People look at us thru differnt eyes, they don't realize that we still suffer each day in pain. Good friends and family do, but when something happens, the looks I see that I get makes me want to cry. Like we are good people, but sometimes the pain and the hardship of each day living just trying to be normal can be so hard on us. All of us includes my sons. They suffer too. Maybe it's been 5 years now but grief can strangle you at any time and take away all you worked for to get back to that "normal" place, just to bring you back down. We had a candle light vigil for Timmy his 5 year angel day July 13th 2012. It even fell on a Friday the 13th. I decided it would be my last one, only next time thur the years I want to just keep it a simple personal family thing, its just to hard on me anymore and so hard on my boys. Timmy will never be forgotten. I love him always and I love my boys. I pray each night they find some peace in their hearts and the understand in others. And wish that people would also know that this is a life time membership of pain, never would I wish on anyone, but just ask for understanding and pray for my family, especially my boys. They need that more now than ever!

Happiness?

I made a new video of Timmy last week. It was hard to imagine doing but I wanted to, it feels like I'm doing something if that makes any sense. So much going on in life, I cry so many nights over losing my son, seeing my family fall apart. Wondering when does it ever get better, does it ever get better? I feel like I'll never feel that true happiness in life, like my candle blew out when Timmy was killed. It flickers off and on, trying to keep the rest of us together. How does one do that when you feel like there is nothing left of you to give? I see so many of his friends growing up, all the things I missed. Learning how to drive, graduating school, falling in love, some having babies, Timmy always wanted kids, so funny a 15 year old boy telling his mom, I'm going to have 4 kids when I get married! You don't hear that to often. He wanted to be a good dad, he loved his dad but his dad wasn't there very much for him. I was mom and dad to all my boys. Last night I cried to God and asked him what did I do wrong??? Why is life so cruel? Am I being punished or is this just a test? I want my boys to be happy and live good happy lives, but it's turned all upside down when my son was murdered. I see so much evil in this world, I remember days watching the news and someone getting killed and thinking oh that poor family, that poor mother, and now I live it and think how does anyone get through this? How do you keep you family together. I so much support and love from all my family and friends. It helps me keep going, but the pain is so deep down inside me that nothing ever will pull it out. Like some days I watch that show House and wish I could go to someone like that and ask what's wrong with me and they figure it all out and make me better. So many people tell me how strong I am, and I really don't feel like I am strong, I just get by each day. I keep my faith in my heart that God will help me through all of this, and knowing one day I'll see my son again. But the NOW days is what hurts. I just want happiness back, I want to be able to laugh and see my boys laugh again. Really laugh, just stomach hurting laughter. Is that too much to ask for? I go to Timmy's memorial sites and wish there was more I could put on, more I could say, more pictures to post. I have so many of him when he was little but not so many when he was 15, I'm so happy for my sister and family and his friends to have giving me the pictures I do have. Isn't it sad to be happy over a picture? Knowing that's all you got. I miss him. I miss him. I cry every night telling him how much I love and miss him. Why can't I dream of him? I just want him to come home. I want my family to be happy, I want my boys to be ok. It's not fair that they have to live thru this so young, they have this to bear for so much longer than I do. People don't realize how much siblings suffer. They suffer more than you know. One thing I would like to say to them is, don't think that just because you think they should be "over this" and falling to pieces is unacceptable to you in your life, until you walk in their shoes, do not judge my boys. They have enough to deal with, then to deal with ignorance.

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY MY BABY CAKES

Today is Timmy's birthday, he would have been 20 years old today. I think back on those teenage years I've missed and wonder what he would be like today. I was talking about that with my one son, talking about those years we've missed. How those 2 men ruined our family, took everything away from us and made our lives change so drastically. I wonder if they think of him. I wonder if they realize all the lives they've ruined by such a horrendous act. Not only my family, but theirs and their children's. No, I don't feel sorry for them, I feel sorry for their children. I feel sorry that they have to grow up knowing what their father did to such a young child and another young man (RIP Dame) How they have to grow up with this. I see my own children suffer each and every day. Losing their baby brother to murder. And some days wishing people would understand how much they suffer. My heart is broken. It will always be broken now. But I think of him in good times, how he loved the beach, riding those waves, collecting sea shells or hermit craps. Hanging out with his friends, jumping on the trampoline, playing football, always playing football. How tall would he be? Would he still have that funny sense of humor? Would his goofy laugh still make the whole room crack up with him? Would he have fallen in love? 20 YEARS OLD!!! No more teenager, that's a big step in one's life. I believe in my heart he would have been a good man, he was already a good kid, a kind heart, a gentle soul. I listen to the stories people tell me of him, like the one he went and got a water ice for my friend's daughter they didn't know him that well then, and she wanted someone to walk her to get her one and no one would so Timmy said I'll go get it for you and when he came back, his brother left him! But he got the water ice and when she offered him the money he said no it's on me. Makes me cry thinking of those stories and how kind hearted he really was. I miss you Timmy, Happy Birthday in Heaven. You'll always be loved and I will hold you in my heart until we meet again.

December Blues

Wow it's December already. I can't believe where the time goes. I hate December, even though my birthday is December, and Christmas and my middle son being a Christmas baby, but my sweet Timmy was a New Year's Eve baby. I used to tease him all the time and say no matter where you go on your birthday there will always be a celebration!!! Never passing the age of 15 is so unfair all those celebrations he has missed. I watch all his friends growing up, moving on with life (as they should) and I think what would he be like today. I know he'd be a good man. But I wish I could have seen him grow into that "good man". I always tell my friends how all these bad things happen to me and don't seem to understand why. If you didn't know me and I told you half the crap I go thru you'd all think it was bull shit. Yet my friends and family know, they tell me if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. One of my closest friends always said here comes "Bette's dark cloud" it follows me everywhere. I'm glad this year is to be over soon. It was the hardest I've had. Timmy's trial started in December and sentencing in January. Then I lost my job. My sons struggling with life without their brother, no one realizes the pain they live in each and every day. People think siblings don't suffer, well let me say, YES they do, sometimes more than others. my sons have suffered tremendously after Timmy was murdered. It's not fair to be so young to have to live with something so terrible happening like this in your life. Then to top it all off I got into a bad car accident, and now I struggle in pain every day going on job interviews standing waiting for busses or trains, but I try and keep positive that things will be ok. One day things will be ok, I keep saying this to myself over and over, it will be ok, one day! Life has some good moments too, like my sister finding a picture of Timmy in his favorite Steeler's Jersey, the only picture I have of him in it, I buried him in his Rothleisburger jersey, but I still have the Pittsburgh cap. So many things I can't let go, when does the pain ever end? But I cried when I saw it and she said don't cry why are you crying and I said no it's not a bad cry really, it's because I now have a new picture of him and one with him in his Steeler's jersey he loved it so much and he was such a big Steeler's fan. He loved football, another thing that makes me sad, he never been to a "real" football game, not even an Eagles game. I would have loved him to have been able to go see the Pittsburgh Steelers, now I cheer them on (sorry Eagles, my other boys cheer you guys on) LOL But winter is fast approaching and I know after his birthday maybe I can heal a little tiny bit more, I cry every day it seems in December. December is a sad month for me now, when it used to be so joyous!!!! My father passed away on December 15, 24 years ago. 10 days before my middle son was born. But I felt then at the time, he sent me a little Christmas present, sending me another son, who I gave my dad's first name as my sons middle name. Awww the time passes and yet I'm still stuck. Oh and then I find out that the sister and mother of one of my son's murderer's were arrested for witness intimidation. Timmy's story should be a Peyton Place, never ending. Still going on 4 1/2 years later, it never ends and it makes the pain much deeper to bear when these kinds of things happen. But we tread on don't we, if not for us but for our kids, for our family, and for knowing that one day I will meet my Timmy again. Merry Christmas Baby Cakes, and a Happy Birthday soon, he would have ben 20 years old this New Year's Eve, no longer a teenager, so much I've missed. Meet you at the crossroads, so you won't be lonely.............................

Just thoughts

I swore I'd try to keep this more up to date, but life seems to get a hold of you and BAM time goes by and then it's like wow to much to add to my blog. I got thru Halloween one of Timmy's favorite holidays, now it's November and Thanksgiving is approaching, this was his favorite time of year, with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and his birthday, he was a New Year's Eve Baby. I used to tell him that no matter where he was or went he'd always have a celebration to go to for his birthday since it was on New Year's Eve, how great is that and he'd just laugh. Now New Year's Eve all I think of is another birthday come and gone and my son not here to celebrate all those celebrations he could have been going to. We used to have so much fun on New Years Eve, I always made sure no matter where we went I made his favorite cake, it was a cat shaped cake and God forbid I tried a different kind, oh no, the Cat cake is now a family tradition. I still make his cake and still take it with me no matter where I go, and we all sing happy birthday to him. The time of year is the most hardest on me and the boys. As the cold weather starts to move in and I think of soon the snow will come and my first thought is how Timmy loved it, loved this season, loved the cold, the snow, everything about it. Now I hate it, despise it, December is far worse a month for me even though my birthday is in December and my other son Matt is a Christmas baby, and then Timmy's being New Year's Eve, it's just too much to handle when your an emotional wreck. Each day I try and get by but no matter what I do, no matter how bad things or how good things are, bad more than good lately, Timmy is always in my mind, always there, there is not a moment that can go past without me thinking wow how much he'd love that or not like that or how hard it is to go to some stores we went to together and how hard Christmas is without wrapping gifts for him. He would always write a list, I'd tell him 10 things on the list and he had to make sure he'd number which one was the most important. How I wish I kept those lists. He was so cute, thinking which was more important but wanted something just as much LOL I miss him so much more. Everyone thinks the days go by and you get better but time for me does not heal my wounded heart, it may dull the pain but the whole is still there and always will be. I see my sons suffer each day and wonder how they can go on for much longer than I will having their brother murdered, too young to have this in their life, their baby brother shot execution style and they couldn't protect him. I pray my boys each day for comfort, to know that he loved them so much, he looked up to them, he knew they always had his back. My boys, my three sons, in my heart forever. Life is hard for them most people dont realize how hard it is for siblings who lose a brother or sister especially to murder. They see how much I fall apart, I try and be strong for them but there are days that I just can't do it. Life is hard, I always say my life ended the day Timmy was killed. I move on for my other sons. I pray for them always wishing they will find happiness in their life once again, to know they can have a good life and always know Timmy is with them. Do you know how hard it is to see your son fall to pieces? To see the life just taken right out of them? and not be able to a damn thing about it!

Can't believe it's been this long since I've written

Wow I can't believe it's been this long since I wrote on my blog. Thank you my friend Isaida for giving me the inspiration to write again :)

Timmy's trial was held in December 2010 and Penalty Phase was in January 2011. The trial was awful, to say the least. To sit in the court room with those 2 murdering men was enough for a life time. They showed no remorse whatsoever. Witness after witness testifyig how they bragged about what they did. Seeing pictures I wish I'd never seen. One of the things that will haunt me the most is the 7-11 video they showed of Timmy's last moments. Him and Damien went to the store to buy snacks for that night and the next morning as they were going to go lawn mowing. You could see them walking around the store, then at the cash register, Dame paid, and Timmy held the bags. As they were leaving, Dame in front Timmy in the back with the bags, I looked at the time stamp it was 2:16 and as that door closed I realized that time was the last time anyone would see my son alive. I broke down. I have to admit I stayed strong thruout the whole trial as best as I could. But the two hardest things I had to deal with was the Impact Statement and watching that video. I can still so vividly see it re-play itself in my mind over and over again. Both men were found guilty of first degree double homicide. Both received double life sentences without parole plus like 30 years for other related charges. The people who stood by me and my family I will forever be grateful for. My family, friends, neighbors and Timmy's friends, all those who made it to the trial even just a day, I thank you for being there and for the support. I had a great DA, wonderful detectives and police officers who were so very kind to us, and an absolutely great judge. I thank the jury for seeing through a long trial and giving my son justice. The shooter of my son, his life spared by one juror, 11-1 for the death sentence, he's so lucky that one person just couldn't put a young man to death, but in PA it's never enforced anyway. I am happy with the verdict and I thank the jury for giving both of them what they deserve, life behind bars for the rest of their miserable lives. May they see my son's face each night they close their eyes before the go to sleep. I'm going to try more often to write on my blog, maybe it will help me. I thought at first I couldn't do it, I just can't. This is dedicated to my son, but it also is for me to help me through the pain I live with each and every day. Since then I've lost my job of 22 years. That's a whole other story!!!! But I thank God each day I wake up and say ok, here we go again, stay with me so I can stay strong and be there for my other 2 boys. Well I think I should stop now since writing this brings back so many difficult memories of the trial. With this crazy life of mine, I'm sure I'll have more coming, and of course memories of Timmy will be shared, as I dedicate this blog to him as he will forever be in my heart and soul and my love for him is eternal.